White Wedding

Well, it happened people. That sister of mine, the star of the infamous bachelorette party, got hitched. The vows have been exchanged, the license signed, and hands have been fastened. It was a beautiful day and everyone had a good time, some more so than others… but we’ll touch on that later. In retelling the story of the wedding there are so many things to mention that this post runs the risk of becoming quite tedious. So I have decided to lend a little structure to what will surely be a lengthy post. I am going to count down the top 5 best and worst things about my sister’s wedding!

THE TOP 5 WORST MOMENTS:

5. The Waiting

I expected the wedding day to be incredibly hectic and frazzling. I pictured frantically running around, being late for every appointment, rushing to get ready, and being irrevocably warped by the frenzy of it all. Such was not the case though. In fact, we almost had too much time on our hands. The hair appointment was at 9:00am and then we were to head down to the venue for 11:30am to have makeup done. We left the hair appointment by 10:50am and had a really quick drive down. Makeup was equally quick and painless. I was finished all that by noon and then didn’t have to be ready for photos until 2:30pm. And there really wasn’t anything to do but wait. For an impossibly impatient person like myself, this was particularly brutal. But I suppose it was preferable to being on the move the whole day through.

Just killing some time at the hall once makeup was done.

4. Venue Was Too Public

The wedding was at a golf course, a perfectly fitting setting for Mar. It was a beautiful course and the weather was perfect. I know they’re not going to shut down the course for a whole day just for one wedding, but there were a few critical times where we really would have benefited from some privacy. For instance, the couple opted to do first look photos. The idea is that they get all done up and see each other before the ceremony for a private session with the photographer. Just the two of them, the photographer, and a little alone time. As my other sister and I escorted Mar to the gazebo to meet up with Neill the fucking wedding co-ordinator was standing around with a group of people (in the gazebo no less!) trying to sell them on the idea of having their own wedding there. Intrusive, much? Seriously. YOU COORDINATED THE WEDDING! You knew where and when they were having these photos… it was totally unprofessional. Also, the asshole sitting in the lounge on looking the ceremony and honking his fucking schnoz like a goose right in the middle of their vows. That was pretty unbelievable too.

3. Taxi Nightmare

It’s a wedding, people drink at them. People also need to arrive alive when they’ve had too much to drink. The venue was also a little bit of a trip from the nearest hotels, about a 20 minute cab ride. So naturally, one would assume that taxis would be readily available and the staff at the golf course would work diligently to ensure that all guests leave via safe and sober means of transportation. Again, such was not the case. We called a couple of hours ahead for our cabs (we needed a few of them), but of course only one showed up. So we let the bride and the groom go ahead first and waited for the next one. That wait was 40 minutes! And when we finally did get in the cab, the fucking driver had no clue where he was going! Instead of stopping and trying to use the GPS to figure it out he opted for driving around jacking the meter up. So that ended in a very unpleasant screaming match and swap to another driver when we reached the first couple’s hotel.

2. Rushed Ceremony

Mar was very specific in that she wanted a relaxed, easygoing ceremony. She planned a grand entrance for the grandparents and parents of the bride and groom in addition to the bridesmaids walking down the aisle. It was a nice touch, it made people feel recognized and appreciated. However, the wedding co-ordinator was way too forceful in pressuring people to get down the aisle. AND, if that wasn’t bad enough our uncle showed up as we were walking down the aisle and cut ahead of the procession so he could dash to his seat. Wildly inappropriate. It was also the only thing that Mar had a pissed off moment about all day. Rightly so I think. She didn’t get the relaxed procession pacing that she wanted, but the ceremony was still very beautiful.

1. Inappropriate Uncle

I’m all for the charmingly inappropriate. Not the kind of inappropriate that would really hurt someone’s feelings, step on toes, or cause conflict. Also, I usually don’t pull my punches on this blog, but for the sake of family members that I know read it on a weekly basis, I am going to censor this entry a little. So, as it turns out the uncle that showed up and cut off the procession during the ceremony had arrived on time. The reason for his intrusion? He was humping his girlfriend in the parking lot. And that’s putting it lightly compared to what he told the ushers when he showed up. I was standing in the receiving line between the groom’s brother and best man and they were snickering. I asked them what was up and they said “Oh, don’t shake this next guy’s hand”. I looked over and sure enough it was that uncle. I asked them what the problem was and they then relayed the news of his indiscretion. Seriously? It’s one day, just a couple of hours really, of getting dressed up and socializing with your family. You seriously could not control yourself long enough to get through the ceremony, the dinner, and a little bit of dancing and then go home and bone like a normal person? And if you really couldn’t control yourself, then why couldn’t you at least be discreet? Instead the ushers got a very graphic account of it and the story proceeded to be blabbed the whole wedding over. Terrible.

Alright, now a little bit of positivity for my darling sister!

THE TOP 5 BEST MOMENTS:

5. Photos Before The Ceremony

As I mentioned before, the bride and groom planned on having first look photos and bridal party photos before the ceremony. Best idea EVER. I loved it! The bride and groom get to have some privacy before the ceremony, a chance to loosen the tension so that all the building emotion doesn’t vent itself in an ugly crying face when walking down the aisle. Not that crying is ugly, just sometimes when people cry too hard it can be quite disgusting. And not that they really cried anyways. Neill took one look at Mar’s chest, said “Wow!” and honked her boobs. So much for pomp and circumstance. But it was great. We were all a lot more relaxed going into the ceremony, we caught the best lighting of the day, and we all got to enjoy the cocktail hour and mingle more with guests.

enjoying the pre-ceremony photos

4. Minister/Ceremony

The groom’s background is Scottish, so there were some very cool nods to his heritage during the ceremony. The minister wore a kilt for the ceremony and played the bagpipes while the bride walked down the aisle. He was also a great speaker, with a loud projecting voice. I’m pretty sure he could be heard clearly from the back rows, which is great when you don’t have microphones. He was also funny, making cute little jokes that relieved any emotional tension, and made everyone feel comfortable. They also included a hand fastening ritual in the ceremony. What does that mean? A length of fabric with the groom’s family tartan on one side and the bride’s german heritage colours on the other bound the bride and groom’s hands together. It was pretty cool.

3. DJ

The DJ they hired was just awesome! He was a super mellow dude, and didn’t cop an attitude when you went up to him with song requests. He very perfectly blended in with the couple’s laid-back style. He hosted a cute centrepiece game, had perfect volume control, and worked the crowd just enough. I’m always wary of DJ’s because you never know if they’re going to treat you like dirt or go with the flow. Todd was wicked cool. Also, the music selection was great. Current stuff for the younger crowd, but not abrasive for the older peeps. Classic tunes that get the party started, and songs that got people to shake their groove things.

2. “Fucking Cupcake”

Mar opted for cupcakes instead of a traditional wedding cake. Awesome! The cupcakes were totally delicious. I was out on the patio and didn’t realize that the “cake” had been cut. We were enjoying some cigars when we heard that it happened. D promptly hopped up from his seat and announced that he was going to get “a fucking cupcake!” He also very politely offered to get me “a fucking cupcake!” too. D’s colourful adjective for the dessert was totally warranted. They were fucking cupcakes. Fucking awesome cupcakes indeed! And pretty too!

Fucking Cupcakes!

1. Neill’s Boner Speech

The standout of the night was by far Neill’s speech. It was well written, heartfelt, and hilarious. I would even go so far as to call it riotous. He had some great anecdotes about how he met Mar, their first date, etc. But the best part by far was when he unintentionally referred to having a HUGE boner. He was describing the first time he met Mar and how he had an instantaneous big crush. “And when I say big, I mean it was HUGE!” That’s what he said verbatim. The dining room erupted in laughter. I looked over and saw my aunt stuffing her napkin in her face so she wouldn’t rattle the room with her gargantuan howls of laughter. I also saw one of my uncles literally slapping his leg as he LOL’d. Let’s be honest, most of the time wedding speeches are dull. They’re dull because certain people are obligated to do them, not because they are necessarily the best speakers in the room. But Neill proved himself to be quite skilled at entertaining the crowd.

Neill is gonna drop a sweet boner joke soon…

This countdown is officially over. Thanks for sticking with me. That’s really the essence of a wedding though, isn’t it? A few hurdles punctuating a steady stream of very happy memories. You take the hurdles in stride, make the very best of the day, and have fun.

Oh, and you cross your fingers in the hope that people don’t hump in the parking lot then brag about it to strangers…

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5 thoughts on “White Wedding

    • I have a friend like that. He can’t go two hours without bopping his old lady. REALLY?

      One day, his wife came over to hang out and she got a call – it was him and when she came back in after the call she informed us that he was pissed at her because she wouldn’t go all the way back home so they could screw.

      Like

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