Best Laid Plans

Sometimes the universe just gets in your way. It doesn’t always play fair, and there’s no way of knowing when it’s going to whip a hardball at you. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, all you can do is roll with it. This is an account of how I had to roll with the giant shitball life chucked at me last week.

Some of you know that I write another blog, The Kingdom, and that I had some wicked plans for Halloween night. This old theatre in my city was going to be screening The Shining on Halloween night and I was not going to miss it for anything. I’ve never seen that movie all the way through before, and what better way to experience it for the first time than on the big screen, right?

Well, I’m still feeling intense disappointment because that didn’t happen. Thanks a lot universe.

Thanks for compelling Harvey to jump up onto the kitchen table, where he knows he isn’t allowed to be putting his furry cat ass. Thanks for making it cold enough in my apartment to necessitate the use of a space heater. Thanks for making me buy a space heater that’s only effective when it’s placed right in the middle of the fucking room. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to trip over it right after I’d picked Harvey’s chunky monkey butt up off the table where he’s not supposed to be. But I’d most especially like to thank you for causing me to fall directly onto my elbow so I could have the exquisite pleasure of fracturing it.

Thank you for gifting me this giant shitball of an injury on the Sunday before Halloween. An injury that prevented me from living my Halloween dream this year.

I get why you did it, universe. That fall must have been something truly spectacular to behold. When I stumbled, with a bundle of squirming cat in my arms mind you, and flailed around in a futile attempt at balancing while simultaneously scalding my bare feet on that goddamned heater, you probably had yourself a grand old chuckle at my expense. People falling can be hilarious, I get it. And I’ve given you many a laugh over the years with my clumsy antics, I know. I’m happy to do that for you from time to time, provided I don’t get too dinged up. But this time was too much, you were too rough with me. When I hit the ground and a thousand burning hot spears of pain shot through my arm I hope you felt like a total dick for doing that to me. Partly because you hurt me, but mostly because you took away my dream.

I can’t always get what I want, I know. But why, universe, why? Why did you have to take this from me?

When D asked if we were still going to go to the movie I heaved a heavy sigh of infinite sadness. I had to concede that sitting in an old ass movie theatre at the opposite end of the city for close to three hours was going to be too uncomfortable for me to bear. Defeated, I was ready to give up on the dream completely.

But D smartly reminded me about the video store down the street where I’d just recently become a member. Surely they’d have a few copies. And it’s an old movie, probably not as in demand. Plus, who the fuck still rents movies anyway, aside from us? He was right. I started to get excited again. We could rent it to watch at home, make an obscene amount of popcorn in the air popper we have, shut off all the lights and snuggle together on the couch. This Plan B of ours really started to grow on me. Sure, it wasn’t what I had planned, but we could make it great just the same.

We made our way over to the video store and eagerly scanned the racks for a DVD of The Shining. I was starting to think that maybe they didn’t have it, and as you’d expect that was the exact moment my eyes located it amidst the Kubrick Classics. I grasped the DVD with my good hand and slid it off the shelf. I turned the front of the case toward me, searching for the little velcro flap that indicates availability.


It was rented. Halloween dream dashed for the second time that week. Fuck this, you guys, really. Fuck it.

At that point, there was no recovering from the disastrous tailspin I was in. I stomped home from the video store and fumed all night long about what a prick the universe can be sometimes.

And then because I was really feeling sorry for myself, I laid on the couch in my $10 Wal-Mart sweatpants and watched fucking Richie Rich on Teletoon Retro from beginning to end. Yeah, that super corny family friendly movie about a billionaire kid played by Macaulay Culkin at the absolute pinnacle of his fifteen minutes of fame. It was a new low for me.

richie rich

I was upset about missing my chance to see The Shining for the first time on the big screen, but after I calmed down I was able to make peace with it. I’m going to wait. I’m going to bury the tiniest little hope in my heart that another old theatre in the city will screen that movie at some point next October. It’s a classic, and October is a month for endless viewings of the scary classics that we all love. I’m going to cultivate my hope over the course of this year. I’m going to make it flourish, because despite what an asshole the universe has been to me lately, I still believe that it can be every bit as great as it can be cruel. My arm will heal, I’ll maintain a sensible wariness of the space heater, and the universe will take care of me in the end like it always has before.

No matter how many bones of mine the universe intends to shatter, I’ll just roll with it. Because I know that it’ll never be able to shatter my hopeful spirit.

19 thoughts on “Best Laid Plans

  1. LMAOOOOOOO I’m so sorry, I hope the next time you plan something grand like this that you get your wish. Especially when its the Shining. But don’t think Richie Rich is a new low for you man. It could have been worse… it could have been… well, I don’t know. I’m so sorry Smash!!!!


  2. Lol! I mean… Sorry about your arm and everything but your post was funny. 😉 And, wow – Richie Rich?? Hey – Kubrick has nothing on Culkin – I think you lucked out in the end! 😉


    • See, now that makes it all worthwhile. When I can tap into the pain and find a way to it seem funny then I’m a lot less bitter about the situation. Lol, as miserable as I was feeling at the time Richie Rich actually did help me to take my mind off of it all.


  3. It may have been part of a secret plot to stop you discovering the truth about the Moon Landings. You should have your cat checked for CIA mind-control implants, ASAP! (Seriously though, sorry to read about your fall. Hope you’re back to fighting fitness again soon!)


    • Oh my God, I think you might be right! I’m going to stop off and buy a bunch of tin foil on my way home from work so we can make hats to keep the government out of our thoughts. I’m really glad you pointed that out, thank you!


  4. It never fucking fails, right??? That’s the fuckin’ story of my life. Last weekend I went WAY out of my way to go to this grocery store that I hate to get this flavored water I love. We deal with the fucking craziness in the parking lot, try and make our way through the degenerates that shop there, get back to the water aisle and they’re fucking out. That ALWAYS happens to me. I could go on and on and on with stories like this. It ALWAYS happens to me.

    But I grab myself by the balls and press on. Like you did!


    • Hahahaha, this comment just made my day!

      It sucks when the universe gangs up on you, fo sho. And that grocery store sounds horrible, but I also might want to go there too, just a little bit. Mostly just to see what the grocery store degenerates look like. They probably don’t look anything like what I’m picturing… but what I’m picturing is pretty awesome.


      • It’s a very cheap grocery – so you can only imagine. The very first time we ever went there I was minding my own business, probably checking my site stats on my phone and I look up and this old, black cross dresser was totally looking me up and down and pursing his lips. I swear that’s true. I have never felt so violated.


      • LOL! Violated, but also maybe a little bit flattered, yes?
        If people are checking you out at the grocery store hen you must be doing something very right.


  5. Hi, Are you ok, you mention fractured and then there’s no mention of having it looked at
    by a doctor? Hope you get to see the Shining on the big screen, your right you have to be
    good shape to be able to jump when you get scared.
    Love Helga


    • Yeah, I’m okay Aunt Helga. I went to the doctor for x-rays twice this week and they recommended I go to the hospital to get a cast put on. But then the specialist that I saw there had me do more x-rays and even a CT scan before deciding that a cast wouldn’t help and I’d just need to keep it immobilized for the next week or so depending. He said it should heal fast, so it’s not as bad as it sounds.


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