It happened again you guys. Another fugly cake was baked, and this one possibly more fugly than the last one. And definitely more dangerous.
Surely you all remember last Thanksgiving when my mom baked that strange pumpkin cake? A laughable little cake, albeit tasty, that defied all of the norms and melted our hearts with its goofy black liquorice grin and lazy lime candy eye. This next cake won’t be melting any hearts. It’s just gunna melt a slow and painful death, unfinished in the fridge. And to be frank, it might even cause a few nightmares before it goes the way of the trash bin.
My sister texted me a couple of weeks ago with a potentially tasty cake recipe for my upcoming birthday. She called it “a raspberry jelly roll toblerone ice cream cake” and I was all for it. She’s a great baker, I’ve absolutely no reason to distrust her intentions. I like to eat, and I like all of those things. If I were more than an occasional Pillsbury baker, I might have spared a moment’s thought for execution. How exactly does one pull off “a raspberry jelly roll toblerone ice cream cake”?
Simply put, they don’t.
The internet can be both weird and wonderful all at once. Apparently the recipe for this glob of cake above comes to us courtesy of the internet. I recommend that the recipe be sent immediately to the bowels of the internet to live out the rest of its days in unseen obscurity. For the greater good.
This cake was both ugly, and uncomfortable to eat. All of the individual components taste good on their own. I’m not going to argue that. But united, they are an ill-combined slight against the palate. It’s a Franken-cake, that’s what it is. All of these scavenged parts mashed together and brought to life at the hands of a madwoman. It’s a crime against baking. Actually, this was my sister’s “no bake” solution for a hectic weekend that lent no free time for actual baking, but even so, it’s a crime against something. We can all agree on that.
The ice cream had been seriously overpowered by all of the other ingredients. A couple of times I bit into the frozen berries and suffered immediate brain freeze. I chomped and slurped my way through the generous helping I’d been served, then begged off of seconds. Please sir, I don’t want some more!
Feast your eyes upon its heinous and hateful innards, if you dare.
Others were less critical than I. My uncle commented that it was “crunchy and cool”. I don’t know about you, but I don’t consider “crunchy” a desirable quality for a cake. I prefer something smooth, generally. And maybe with an even consistency. I don’t like it when I’m eating cake and every bite needs to be taken with caution. It felt like I was engaged in a risky battle to maintain the integrity of my teeth.
We suffered through our slices, some more than others, and eventually, this fugly cake was drained of all its fight. It began the slow, melting death that it deserved. And I rejoiced. Go back from whence you came, villain! Back to the pit of hell from which you’d managed a dastardly, if only temporary, escape. And henceforth, the good people of our household shall partake of smoother and more aesthetically pleasing desserts. Cue the applause.
Looking at the demon Franken-cake again, reliving all the not-so-fond memories, I know that my sister’s intentions were pure. It just didn’t work out. That happens sometimes, that’s life. But I would never want to discourage anyone from trying; I very much appreciated the effort. Trying is what makes us great. If we try and we fail, that’s okay. Hell, it’s preferable because it gives us a chance to learn. We’ll just try again. And eventually, we will soar.
I tangled with another fugly cake this weekend and I still have all of my original teeth. I’m counting that as one of my successes for this year.
Happy birthday to me.
Lol! I really enjoyed this post! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
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Thanks for reading Lynette, I’m glad you liked my post. Hopefully you’ll stick around for more, I’m certain that there will be more cakes like this in my future.
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YIkes! That is one heinous cake!!!!!
Hilarious post, though. Glad all of your teeth are okay! 😀
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Thanks Tom, I’m happy to have your support on this matter. It was a scary cake.
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Dude that doesn’t even sound good and it looks even worse. Sorry about your birthday cake.
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lol, no worries buddy. It was just another of those unfortunate adventures that we’ll all laugh about for years to come.
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“It’s a Franken-cake, that’s what it is.” “It’s a crime against baking.” OMG. What fabulous writing this is. Too funny.
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Thank you so much! What writer doesn’t love compliments such as these? You’re very kind, and I’m glad you enjoyed this post. Happy Easter!
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I think the Easter Bunny just rolled over in his grave… or pie… either way, he’s sad. 😦
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lol, the Franken-cake has broken the Easter Bunny’s heart! Oh the humanity!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Send the rest to me, I’ll eat it.
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I’m just guessing based on your profile picture, but I assume you’ve got a rakish, devil-may-care grin that makes the ladies melt and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that with a piece of tough and lumpy Franken-cake. I care about you too much.
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Thanks but I’m married, so I’ve given up on my looks.
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See now I’d eat that 😀
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LOL! You’re crazy. This thing was a bonafide health hazard.
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Hasn’t stopped me in the past haha xD
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Scared me more than Sinister (2013) (which really freaked me out) 🙂
Happy B-day!
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hahaha sorry to frighten you so badly Rob!
Thank you 🙂
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Bahaha! What a disaster. But it doesn’t even sound like it could possibly work, the ice cream would soggy up the jelly roll, no? Sort of glad I missed your celebration this year after hearing about this. Rainbow vanilla cupcakes with rainbow sprinkle icing made by you will always be my one and only!
See you so soon!
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lol, yeah it was a cake I wish I’d been absent for too.
There will be lots of cupcakes this weekend, you can count on it! 🙂
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Oh my dear soul that is one UGLY cake, and it does not look appealing (sorry, Smash’s sister). Yuck. Agreed, the individual components on their own will be yummy, but they just don’t seem to look too good coming together.
Aside from the fugly cake (though it must have been endlessly entertaining though disgusting), I hope you had an awesome birthday! May you never be shackled with another fugly cake on one though!
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lol, it really is a hideous sight! At least I’ve got wonderful birthday wishes from great people such as yourself to make up for the disgusting cake I had to eat.
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There is ALWAYS a silver lining. Just my motivational spiel for the day.
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Hahaha! That cake is hilarious! I don’t care what you say, though – I still think it looks kind of yummy. In a roadkill kind of way. : )
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lol, roadkill is an apt description for this beast…
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LOL it’s a beautiful cake don’t let anyone tell you any different.
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hahaha, you don’t think it looks like a frankenstein brain?
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True true but it is cool looking, that is about my level of baking skills.
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