Smashelorette

I love that word, it’s the perfect title for this post. My friend the Magpie posted a pic of me from Saturday night using the hashtag Smashelorette and I fucking love it so much.

You guys don’t even know. And I don’t even know if I know how to tell this story… but bear with me. The fog of booze around my brain is clearing, this might start coming together as we go.

smashelorette

I’ve been waiting for this so long. This night. This amazing night out with my girls, getting drunk, laughing. Celebrating like only girls can. With lots and lots of shrill yayys! and wooooos! to accompany every sentence. Excitedly hopping and bopping everywhere and into everything. Chanting deliciously filthy chants at every male we encounter along the way. “SHOW-US-YOUR-PENIS!”, “JUST-THE-TIP!”, and “EAT-MORE-DICK-CHEESE!” among the best  of them.

That’s what girls do. We make ourselves look as classy and lovely as we possibly can, then we go out into the world causing all the mayhem we can muster. And I do have a lot of mayhem in my heart, believe you me. I’m pretty sure that I head-butted one of my friends on the d-floor. Mistakenly, of course. But only because a bunch of mayhem had bubbled over and was going to translate into some insanely rad dance floor head-banging. I just forgot to step back first. Oopsies! It’s not the first time though, definitely won’t be the last either. Very sorry, friend.

That must be why my neck is still so sore two days later. I fucking head-banged the shit outta that dance floor. But when you’ve got a band of rad motherfuckers ripped on heroin and playing the same Led Zeppelin song on a constant loop, there’s nothing you can do but head-bang the fucking shit outta life. The power of Zeppelin compels you!

At one point I had a little chat with the guitarist, about the recent passing of Tommy Ramone. And I begged him to rally his band buddies and play me a killer Ramones cover. He nodded semi-agreeably and went to talk to his musically inclined chums. When they hit the stage again after the intermission, the guitarist tossed me a sly grin and started cranking out yet another classic Zeppelin tune… Oh man! Another 22-minute guitar solo. I shot a look of long-suffering at The Magpie, as if to say “oh well, what can you do?” and she didn’t even have to say a word. She perfectly mimed the tying off of a vein and shot a finger needle into the crook of her arm while rolling her eyes back in a perfect pantomime of druggie bliss. It was so excellent. We just laughed and danced. Then laughed and danced some more because that guitar never stopped.

But I’m getting way ahead of myself. This story clearly won’t be linear, that fucking ship has sailed. It was never going to be anyways, because I don’t remember it that way. I’m slowly remembering my way through the events of the Smashelorette. And every time I talk to someone about it, another little gem of memory is unearthed and lovingly relived.

Like when Joce reminded me that she stole a platter of 20 sliders off of someone else’s table and our motley group of girls gobbled them up in a feeding frenzy! No I didn’t dream that, it actually happened. It’s such a perfectly Joce-force thing to do.

Or when I put on a fake moustache with Dame Edna glasses and Shannie told me that I looked like Freddie Mercury. Dreams really do come true. Playing dress up in general. I mean, if you’re at a party and your friend gives you a box of costumes to dress people up in, it’s going to be a wicked time.

shannie the raver

my little peacock

Playing the underwear game! Everyone bought a pair of panties and I had to guess who bought them. An absolutely hilarious idea. Especially when one of your friends decides to buy you a pair of 3XL men’s tighty whiteys. Oh, Caitlin! You’re a beautiful little sexual harassment just waiting to happen.

she'll get ya

big underwear

Twirling and swirling around the dance floor with a very tall gentleman who didn’t speak a lick of english. But he didn’t have to. He spoke an even more important language: the language of the dance!

Eating a piece of penis cake. Thank you Bec. I always wondered what chocolate ball hair would taste like. It’s sweet. A little sticky too. Not unexpected at all. An unsavoury delight. Much like the dick cheese my friend Hoben moulded to glorious perfection. I’ve also wondered what green onion ball hair tasted like. Cross another thing off the bucket list, darling.

Doing oh so many grapefruit wedge Jell-O shots! Best summertime booze treat you can have.

jell-o shots

And of course, chugging dirt cheap champagne that made me throw up in my mouth a little…

champagne chug

When Caitlin found me a hunk with a ponytail to talk to. I got to touch it! The ponytail, of course. It was curly and sweaty and magnificent. Mmmm, oh yeah. That’s the real dream, a man with a ponytail. I’m totally being serious right now. Just wanted to make sure nobody thought I was being purposefully flip about that. Gimme them long luscious locks any time. Let me run my fingers through your hair, baby. Oh yeah, just like that!

Omg. THE MIDGET STRIPPER. *facepalm*

He was small and sweaty and he blew in my ear. Aggressively. It wasn’t sexy. It was like the blast of a backfiring car right in my earhole.

Oh right, this is an important detail: my Smashelorette party was Star Wars themed. Yeah, that’s fucking right. My friends lovingly coloured a bunch of images from a Star Wars colouring book and used them as decorations all over Joce’s apartment. It was very beautiful and meaningful to me. There were also bottles of chase with Yoda’s picture on them and labelled “Yoda Pop”. Brilliant! There was a hand drawn “Pin The Penis on Darth” game. Oh Sara, words cannot describe how much I love you for making that. And how much I loved seeing the bad first attempt at a drawing of Darth showing through the sliding glass door when I was out on the balcony. Priceless. He’s a hard dude to draw, I was very impressed with the end result.

But back to that stripper…

We were grooving along to some sweet pre-drinking tunes when suddenly the music changed. A very recognizable piece of music started to play. Is that…? Oh yeah, it is! It’s the frigging Star Wars theme music. I got really excited at that point. I sat on the special chair and buzzed with excitement. I’ve always wondered what Darth Vader’s penis looked like and tonight I was finally going to find out what he’s been hiding under that codpiece.

Just as the epic entrance music was fading out, he stepped into the room. All 4 foot 8 of him. Probably more like 5′ 3″, but who’s measuring? And he’s… um. What the fuck? He’s a cop? And now he’s making some lame cliché joke about a noise complaint… that’s something, I guess.

i'm so impressed

Actually, this worked out really well. Even though he wasn’t dressed as the Dark Lord and I couldn’t climb him like a mountain, I’ll never forget pointing and laughing at his sweat-stained underwear while he shook his crotch in my cousin’s face. AND, most important of all… he wasn’t supposed to show us his wiener but he did anyways. Joce told me she wouldn’t pay extra for him to do the full monty. So he was either such a trooper or our rowdy chants just eventually wore him down, but either way, WE GOT THAT DICK FOR FREE!

I just had a great idea for him! He should dress up like Prince when he strips. He’s got the perfect build for it… dammit. Someone should call and tell him that. I bet there are a lot of ladies out there who’d love a lap dance from The Purple One. I know I would.

There’s so much to remember! Too much to remember really. I’m grateful for cameras. And I’m thankful for all of my wonderful friends. I’m so in love with all of you.

friends

my lovely family

Dreams come true. I should probably divorce D and then re-marry him just so we can have another party like this. Another super mega-awesome blast of a time, just us girls.

But I guess even though I’m getting married, that doesn’t mean I have to slow down my bad ass partying ways, does it?

photo-3

Maybe we just need to do one more of these before the wedding. It was always going to take more than one really excellent bender to get it all out of my system anyways, right?

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31 thoughts on “Smashelorette

  1. #1. I guess my invitation got lost in the mail….
    #2. That band were assholes for not giving you your request. You should have thrown cups of piss at them.
    #3. Was the penis cake salty?
    #4. I wish I could fit into that underwear.
    #5. You were lucky to get a midget stripper, they’re in short supply.
    #6. I was literally just thinking that we I haven’t seen you around in a while, so great to see you! 🙂

    Like

    • #6. I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been working way too much lately. And my office just moved, the new space is not conducive to blogging at work anymore, haha. Everyone can see my comp! Makes reading those filthy IPC posts super awkward…
      #3. The penis cake was DELICIOUS. Betty Crocker confetti cake. That’s the best cake ever.
      #1. Men were only allowed to be there if they did full frontal nudity. For next time, is this something you’d consider? It will guarantee an invite.
      #4. I’ll mail them to you! If you’re in need of new undies…
      #2. Yeah, seriously! And a Ramones tune has got to be the easier request a band can get. Their songs are so easy.
      #5. HAHAHA! You’re so funny. I’ve missed you.

      Like

      • #5. I’ve missed me too.

        #1. Consider? I couldn’t imagine NOT being nude.

        #6. That sucks! I was in the same situation in our temporary office a few months ago. Now I’m back in my regular office and free to look at all the “Busty Girls In Big Men’s Underwear” porn I can handle!

        #2. Yeah, I Wanna Be Sedated is probably the easiest song in the world. Lazy junkies.

        Like

    • Thanks Luke!
      When you’re hungover as fuck 2 days later, it’s really hard to write a coherent post, lol.
      And yes, if you’re ever in T.dot, I will show you an epic time on the city.

      Like

  2. This looks like you had a TON of FUN!!!!! WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!

    I still can’t believe you didn’t want me to strip for you.

    #ohwaityesican

    🙂

    Love you!!!

    Like

    • Hahaha! Thanks dude, we had a blast!
      And you’re probably 2 whole feet taller than the stripper. By default that means you’d have a much more anatomically interesting wang.

      Like

    • You do? That is so hunky. But it’s probably for the best that I don’t get to touch it, otherwise I’d run away with you on the spot. Whether you wanted me to or not! haha.

      And yeah…. we probably were quite terrifying that night.

      Like

      • “Hunky”!? I’m starting to think that “ponytail” means something different in Canada than it does here. Then again, if this is a fetish that all Canuck chicks share, I may well have to make the trip over someday…

        Like

  3. I did think it was quite clever, Smashelorette! It was a fun time…my body hurt for two days from all the dancing. Can’t wait to talk it all over again on Thursday. I think one of my favourite moments was heading to the dancefloor with two trays of Dr. McGuilicuddy’s and they disappeared before I could even blink!

    Like

    • Hahaha, yeah we relive the whole glorious night tomorrow at lunch!

      Oh the peach schnapps… a major contributing factor to why my gut ached all the next day.

      Like

    • Aww man, what a missed opportunity! We should have been playing that tune.

      I had so much fun, and thank you! I actually put effort into making myself presentable that night.

      Like

    • Thanks Erica! It was an incredible night. That’s the first thought I had when I saw the stripper, haha. I was like “Oh man, this is what happened to Phoeboe!”

      Like

  4. LOL! Here was my laugh for the day, thank you so much lady! That photo with you and your… erm… cop? PRICELESS.

    Glad to see you guys had a blast.

    However, if I was expecting the Dark Lord to strip for me, I would have been EXTREMELY disappointed with a stripping cop hahahahahaha!

    Like

    • Thank you Zoe, for so kindly reading about my night of total debauchery. I will cherish that photo of my and the tiny dancer always.

      But yeah, super disappointed that I didn’t get to see Darth’s wang. Maybe for my birthday! lol.

      Like

      • No, you kindly furnished such debauched lunch time entertainment! 😛 Ah, that photo!

        Hmmmmm, maybe if you start putting the order in now, someone can wrangle it? LOL!

        Like

  5. Smash! Was wondering if you were back around as I’ve seen your comments popping up around here lately. Totally missed when you posted this. Fucking hilarious! You’d be a fucking blast to party with. 🙂

    Like

    • Hey T9! I have missed you guys tons. I’ve just been so crazy busy this summer that I have not had any time for blogging. But I’ll be making more time soon 🙂

      And thanks, I like to think I’m a good time haha! It was a really fun night.

      Like

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