Smash Gets Saucy!

This might be one of the weirdest things anyone has ever done on the internet. But this is what happens when you ask me to guest post while you’re on vacation. Check it out, dudes. And maybe someday you’ll want me to guest post for you, too.

Isaacs Picture Conclusions

Hey dudes, Smash here reporting for The IPC while EI is away on vacation. He’s probably working himself into a righteous fit as we speak because some a-hole planted their beach blanket right beside his even though there are only ten people on the beach. Oh EI, you loveable scamp, don’t ever change.

I’ve been tasked with helping out around here while he’s away. And you guys know that I don’t take my guest post responsibilities lightly. So the little hamster in my brain started running to generate ideas, well more like strolling, but still, he was moving. And I was able to come up with something that I think you’ll enjoy…

There has been a lot of ogling happening over at The IPC lately. Like, a lot. It’s okay though, there have been plenty of fine-looking hardbodies to admire for the male and female readers alike. Yayy, equality! I’m…

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Don’t Call Me, Unless You’re Going to Leave a Proper Voicemail

Just some blogging I’m doing on the side. You know, to make ends meet. Even though it was unpaid. Now I just feel exploited…
Anyways, check it out! And check out some of the other hilarious posts from all of the great contributors who also contribute.

The Great Outdoors (1988) Guest Review

Delighted to have taken part in the John Hughes Blogathon being run this month by Table 9 Mutant. She’s doing a wonderful job of spreading the Hughes love all over the internet. Go check it out, you’re going to love what you see.

Cinema Parrot Disco

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This review for the John Hughes Blogathon comes from Smash of Smashing Through Life!. Thanks for being a part of this blogathon, Smash! Now let’s see what she thinks of The Great Outdoors. 🙂

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The Great Outdoors

This is a great movie. Straight up, I can’t put it any simpler than that. This is one of those movies that makes me feel all warm and gooey inside because of the overflowing childhood nostalgia that comes with every viewing. It’s the kind of movie I watched once and then loved it so much that I re-watched it hundreds of times over the course of my childhood. And I’ll probably watch it another couple hundred times in the years to come.

It’s summertime, and that means family vacation for the Ripleys. Chet Ripley is excited to take his wife and their two boys vacationing at a lake resort in Wisconsin…

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You Dumb Kids Week: Halloween

I am so honoured to be a part of You Dumb Kids Week over at Hard Ticket to Home Video. Brian and Brad both run this insanely hilarious blog, and together they are an unstoppable force. Go for the reviews, but stay for the puns! And R.O.T.O.R. too, of course.

Hard Ticket to Home Video

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By Smash

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My mom is a horror movie aficionado, so when I was growing up I was exposed to a lot of insanely scary horror movies and an absurd amount of horror movie crap early on in my life. She does not discriminate when it comes to movies. It didn’t matter if it was a classic thriller like Jaws, a massive blockbuster hit like The Exorcist, or a total piece of garbage like Rumpelstiltskin. If there was a movie with monsters, or “critters” as my mom would say, and if people got murdered, blown up, mutilated, or destroyed during the course of the movie then it was a movie that my mom wanted to watch. And she didn’t censor us kids from watching them either…

I had a nightmare one time, and I got up to see my mom. She was up late watching Hellraiser and told me that if I…

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Balancing Act

I have got an absolute fuck-load of stuff going on in my life right now, and unfortunately it’s been getting in the way of my beloved blogging time. I only managed to write one post during February. One paltry post! That is unacceptable. If it weren’t for a couple of timely re-blogs, my blog might have slipped into a coma altogether and I’d be having a very difficult discussion with its doctor on the pros/cons of pulling the plug. But I’m still here, and I’m still trying to have it all.

It’s hard though, you know? I’m consumed by work, clocking around 50 hours on a good week, that is, when my workload isn’t paralyzing. I’m trying to plan my dream wedding, but keep getting thwarted by craziness and heartbreak. I just got some devastating news yesterday that derailed my whole weekend, and I spent all of Saturday night sobbing instead of relaxing, which I clearly need more of. I’m trying to maintain a semblance of a social life. I just renewed my dusty old gym membership so I can get all svelte and stunning in the hope that I don’t look like a sack of oranges for sale on the side of the freeway while wearing my wedding dress. And I’m trying to save some of my time for D, too. So he doesn’t feel like he’s getting hitched to the invisible woman. I gotta save some of my time for blogging, but at this point it’s cutting into the few hours I have left, hours that should be saved for sleep. But that doesn’t seem to matter anyways, because I just wind up spending a third of the allotted sleeping hours laying awake and thinking about all of this shit.

Deep breaths, girl. You’re starting to get carried away. That’s better.

To be fair though, I did waste an exorbitant amount of free time watching all of Parks and Recreation on Netflix because another part of the problem is that work is so draining right now that it’s difficult for me to do more than stare at the TV and drool when I get home. My brain is so overloaded, it might implode.

Even though I wasn’t able to post much last month, there were some bright spots to be had. I may seem a tad ranty and distraught now, but I did manage to find some fun and count a few blessings.

I got to catch up with my homies for a good, old-fashioned bust up at the local bar. We tried to go to two other bars first though, before we were finally let into The Rose and Crown. The first place we tried to go, we were rejected by the bouncer because “there’s too many jeans”. That is exactly how he put it.  Apparently, we’re all out of the sartorial loop. Screw that guy though, you’re supposed to wear jeans to the bar. He’s clearly an idiot on a power trip.

My drinking buddies

My drinking buddies

That’s not a very good picture of us, but this one of my buddy Clark bumping into the disco ball because he is ridiculously tall is pretty great.

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Disco Party Clark

I slipped and fell drunkenly in the street on the walk home, though. I ripped my new dress and messed up my foot something awful. Pulled some bullshit little ligament that I didn’t even know existed. But sometimes, you’ve just gotta get drunk and fall down. As long as you don’t go to sleep in the street, it’s all good.

Valentine’s Day was pretty great, too. I usually don’t care for it, but I think D recognized an opportunity for us to just forget everything for a couple of hours and spend some time together. He surprised me with roses when I got home from work, which never fails to impress me. Harvey was also impressed.

My other Valentine

My other Valentine

We had an incredible dinner at this Thai place in our neighbourhood. I felt special and loved. D is a marvel and I’m a lucky girl. Even though he just came in and interrupted my writing to tell me that we only have two packets of instant gravy and they are both mis-matched, one brown and one chicken, which for some reason sparked a bout of snippy bickering. But I digress.

I also ate the gooiest, most outrageously cheesy sandwich of all time. Another resounding pizza grilled-cheese success!

Another one for the history books.

Another one for the history books.

We’ve switched breads in our household. We’re now eating a kind called “Ancient Grains” instead of that bleached atrocity that I used to love, white as the driven snow Wonderbread. It wasn’t as cataclysmic a change as I had anticipated. The ancient grains bread is actually quite delicious.

My friend The Magpie had a baby. She’s away from work on her maternity leave, which sucks. But she’s living her dreams, so that totally outweighs any of the sucking. I can’t wait to meet her new little friend, although in a weird way, I feel like I already know her. I spent the bulk of The Magpie’s pregnancy calling her bump Scooter and encouraging her to stay in there a while longer.

So even though I haven’t had much time for blogging, I’m still out there trying to wedge awesome things into my hectic life wherever they will fit. No matter how insane it all feels at times, I haven’t been completely stripped of my positivity.

Everything does feel like such a disaster right now, yes. But these are all things that I wanted, I asked for this. Well, with the exception of the unstoppable flood of sobs that started yesterday and seem to have no end, obviously. But anyways… I guess I’m just going to have to find some balance. Is that why people do yoga? Seems like a lot of useless rolling around on the floor in spandex to me, but maybe I’m not looking at from the right angle.

All I know is that right now I have a whole bunch of feelings that I need to go and eat. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter, I’ll eat them. All feelings are ripe for the gobbling right now. So it’s a good thing I was able to spare 15 minutes of my time today for my good friend, Pillsbury.

Red velvet white chocolate chip cookies, I need you now more than ever.

Red velvet white chocolate chip cookies, I need you now more than ever.

SHITFEST 2014: WINTER ~ EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (1995)

And here it is, my friends… My Shitfest Winter Entry! Something the whole family can enjoy. Or maybe not… Maybe just something the perverted patriarch of the family can enjoy, Embrace of the Vampire. Check it out.

Isaacs Picture Conclusions

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BY:

(THE DEFENDING SHITFEST CHAMPION!!!)

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Embrace of the Vampire (1995)
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This movie is a turd and I can’t even believe that I watched the whole thing. The. Whole. Fucking. Thing. It’s only an hour and a half but it felt like an eternity, I guess that’s what they were going for? I could’ve easily gotten enough material for this Shitfest post from the first twenty minutes alone, but apparently I’ve got too much integrity to cop out like that. Or I’m simply a masochist. Either way, I lose.
This movie’s plot is so fucking stupid that I’m kind of embarrassed to describe it now that you know I watched it all, but anyways…
In the opening scene we see a disgustingly sweet and overdone tryst between two lovers back in the old timey days. Probably the 1700’s or something stupid like that. This guy is obsessed with his perfect virginal…

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Brown Eyed Ram

In a lot of ways, this is exactly the pep talk I needed to have on my first workday without my friend and mentor, The Magpie. Even though she says she won’t miss me, I will miss her dearly. She taught me how to fly, but now it’s time to soar.

The LadyBird Magpie of East York

I don’t really believe in astrology, but historically I’ve found myself to be more friendly with capricorns, aquarius’ and tauruses.  Never really found myself close to an Aries, and as such I think of her as quite the an unlikely friend.  Not only is she an Aries, but she’s also 9 years my junior and I met her only because I hired her way back in 2010.  Unlikely a friendship as it may seem, she’s pretty much been by my side since then.

I remember what she wore for her interview–it was quite formal, a white blouse and a high waisted black skirt.  I don’t think she was wearing heels though–she wasn’t able to really pull off heels until about 2012.  I was looking for someone at the time to be part of the department I was building in my previous company, and between her, and one other girl, I…

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The First Annual Screenkicker Blog Awards

I am truly honoured to take home this most coveted prize. It takes a lot of swears to be number 1. Remember that, kids.

Screenkicker!

I hate January. There, I said it. I don’t care what you pro-January freaks think and I don’t want you picketing Screenkicker’s offices and harassing my staff. Let me explain why I’m displaying this righteous fury. Well the main problem is I feel Ill. I know its not the flu as I had my flu jab but whatever it is I feel rotten. My nose is running more than Usain Bolt if he was a nose, everytime I breathe it feels like Ive been deepthroating TreeBeard from Lord of the Rings, and finally I’m shaking like a shitting dog. My point is I feel like crap. Now I’ll give you a few moments to get those repulsive images out of your mind and we’ll proceed.

It’s a new year so its time for the first ever Screenkicker Blog Awards. This prestigious imaginary award is given to the cream of bloggers…

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THE IPC DOUBLE TAKE FEATURING SMASHING THROUGH LIFE: TOP SECRET! (1984)

Another fantastic collaboration with my good chum EI over at The IPC. Check it out dudes, it’s our double take on Top Secret!

Isaacs Picture Conclusions

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It doesn’t happen too often but sometimes lightning strikes the IPC and I get together with a wonderful person and we hash out some words on something classic and great. I call it the Double Take and we watch a movie and then put up our dukes to see if we agree or disagree and all of that stuff. We don’t talk about it so neither of us know what’s going on until I get them united out here and away we go! If you would ever like to be involved with something like this, just let me know here or at ei@theipc.me. Today I am joined with the lovely and brilliant SMASH from SMASHING THROUGH LIFE – one of my favorite sites out there. We take on a classic (from my youth): TOP SECRET! the amazingly hilarious and scrotum bustingly funny Val Kilmer comedy.

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I take a lot…

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Bound for the Sound

Finally.

We’ve been saying this for so long. For years, even. We’ve exclaimed it with unfettered excitement, we’ve shouted it with glee. We’ve clinked our glasses and chugged our tallboys after many a heartfelt expression of it. That wonderful little rhyming phrase that carries so much promise, Bound for the Sound!

It feels like we’ve been saying it every time that we’ve gotten together with our chums Shan-Wow and Hoben since they moved to Owen Sound a couple of years ago. Every time. We talk about how drunk we’ll get. We talk about the laughs we’ll have. We delight at the thought of the memories we’ll make, the shenanigans that will ensue. Bound for the Sound is all about going nuts, enjoying a classically debauched night much like those of our misspent youth. It’s all about recapturing that young and dumb magic. But we’ve never made good on it. Not once, not ever. Until now.

Hoben is one of my best drinking buddies from long ago. He coined my colourful nickname. He started the proud tradition of deckers. He introduced me to D and forever changed my life. He’s good people. And Shan-Wow is his equally awesome lady-love. She’s hilarious and amazing and you can’t not love her to bits. Hell, she’s a founding member of the Top-Secret-Euchre-Club and a Dumb & Dumber Enthusiast. So you can trust me when I tell you that these two know how to party.

shanny and hobs

Owen Sound is a good long boot northwest of Toronto, a two and a half hour drive on a “making great time” kinda run. So D and I had to rent a car to drive our asses up there. We splurged and signed up for the “Intermediate” level car, which is usually something nice and hefty, with lots of trunk space in case we need to transport a body on sudden notice. Which happens to us more than you’d think… What we wound up with was a mint 2014 Dodge Charger with only 60km on it. It was black and shiny, it looked like the fucking Batmobile for Christsakes. D was excited about it until he realized it was front-wheel drive. That made for some interesting moments tearing through the snowstorm that was pounding down on the city just as we got going.

It was a long drive, getting there. Our nice spacious 4-lane highways quickly petered out into 1-lane rural roads. We saw a spectacular amount of farms, barns, crumbled barns, horses, cows, and snow-covered hay bales whizz by our windows. And wind turbines too. There’s a shit-ton of those all over the place. It was pretty cool, actually. It felt like we were driving through some secret alien place. An abduction zone, or something like that.

wind turbines

We also drove through a town called Flesherton. I shit you not, reader. If I ever find out that there isn’t a spooky group of ritualistic killing machines who feast on human flesh living in that town then I am going to be majorly disappointed. It would be such a waste of that town name not to have a few resident cannibals at least. We drove through Flesherton super fast and with intensity so it felt like we were escaping it. It was great fun!

Also great fun was stopping at the Six ‘n’ Ten Minimart for our booze. Look at that fucking place. It’s incredible!

six n ten

Booze sales in Ontario are government regulated, so you can’t just buy it anywhere. It typically has to be from an L.C.B.O. store (which stands for Liquor Control Board of Ontario) or at a store that is aptly named The Beer Store. But there are exceptions. There are Agency stores in small towns like Owen Sound that are able to sell liquor. Which, to us, seemed kind of like an urban legend because we’ve never actually seen any before. It was an exciting novelty.

We got stuck behind some over-cautious and tediously slow geezers, and then a snow-plow for a while too. I thought D was going to road rage us right into a ditch with all of his impatience. But we made it eventually, taking about an hour longer than expected. And when we finally did get there, it was time to fuckin’ draaaaannk.

Hobs and Shan had tickets to the OHL game that night, and not to keep sounding so ridiculously Canadian here, but that stands for Ontario Hockey League and is a Junior hockey league for kids ages 15-20. Lots of the kids in the league aspire to NHL greatness, so they always play their asses off. Small-town hockey and cheap drinks on a Saturday night. Man alive, my inner hoser was busting at the seams.

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We mixed up a bunch of rye ‘n’ gingers in some ginger-ale bottles for stealthy drinking out in the parking lot during intermissions, and pounded beers during the game when we were inside the stadium. We got right fuckin’ tuned.

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me n shanny

the group

Pretty much everyone in town comes to the Saturday night games. It’s a small ass town and there ain’t that much to do, so it makes for some good times. We hung back a bit after the game was over to let the overcrowded parking lot clear out. We’d gotten there about 10 minutes after the puck drop, so we parked at the end of a very long row of cars. By the time we left the game and came out into the parking lot, our park job wound up being incredibly inconvenient for everybody else trying to leave the rink. It was hilarious.

our car

Yep, that’s our ride. It’s doing a damn fine job making all those other cars go around it to get out. This is not the Charger by the way. Shannon drove her car because the Charger would have been absolutely worthless in an unplowed lot like this with its fucking crazy front-wheel drive. We polished off a few more drinks in the car, then left it there for the night. It could be picked up in the cold, sober light of dawn. We walked to a bar to continue the fun. D had a little bit too much fun at the game though, and wound up spending most of his time at the bar puking it up in the bathroom. But I guess that’s bound to happen when you skip over dinner in favour of rye.

I fared much better because I enjoyed a bunch of delicious arena snacks with my drinks. It was the smart play.

my snacks

I was going to share my pretzel with D, so it could help soak up some of the booze rolling around in his belly, but he fucked off and I couldn’t find him. I waited so long that the pretzel got cold, and as a result, really goddamned hard. A would-be-delicious treat turned inedible by the passage of time. But the popcorn was still quite tasty, as arena popcorn tends to be. Turns out D was standing around chirping some local dudes in their mid-40’s because they were drinking Bacardi Breezers. Time well spent, indeed.

We had to leave pretty early the next morning to make sure we’d get the rental car returned on time. Hungover and exhausted from a night of raucous drinking, we were daunted by another long trip in the car. But with mile-wide Canadian grins spread across our glowing hearts we did alright. We saw thee rise. We made good time and we enjoyed the quiet ride home.

It was a great fucking weekend. Once in a while I need to go all hoser berserker on life. It just feels good. Based on the smashing success of our inaugural journey, I can safely say that we will return. We will be Bound for the Sound yet again.