Smash’s Fall Favourites

The air is crisp and cool in the morning, livening up throughout the day, bringing mild and refreshing afternoons. Should you wear a big fluffy sweater or a lighter shirt/jacket combo? Heavy duty boots or happy-go-lucky sneakers? What about sunglasses? You’ll probably need them for that precious two-minute window between the sun waking up and the final steps taken towards your office building where you’ll spend the next 8 hours languishing under the ghastly fluorescent lighting. But then those shades will be irrelevant by quitting time when you slink home in the dark like some kind of mole-person.

Sometimes you’ll dress too heavily and wind up sweating like a goddamned animal in the afternoon as you trudge home. Sometimes you won’t dress heavily enough and will catch yourself a nice bout of walking pneumonia because you didn’t fully dry your hair before rushing out of the house in the morning. Sometimes it’s perfectly sunny and charming. Others, it pours cold bullshit like a motherfucker. You never know what kind of weather you’re going to get from the God of Fall, but you roll with it like a champ. It’s oddly invigorating, and you like being kept on your toes.

Oh, Fall, you adorable little trickster, you! I may not be able to count on you for the most reliable weather, but I can still count on you for a bunch of awesome shit every year nonetheless. Stuff so awesome that it makes handling your bi-polarishly insane weather ups and downs well worth it. For instance…

1) Delicious Holiday Foods

Fall signals to us the readiness of apple orchards, pumpkin patches, and major corporations to churn out fucking delicious seasonal foods. Hearty pies, spiced up lattes, caramel drizzled confections, fun-sized chocolatey treats, and turkeys big enough for a ride in the car sans booster seat. Fall gives us bounty. Delicious, plentiful, bounties of food. And because Fall is as generous as it’s weather is fickle, it also gives us holidays that don’t shame us for indulging our most gluttonous and depraved food desires. You’re supposed to get drunk on Ma’s special Thanksgiving punch and make a messy emotional scene. Hell, it’d be impolite not to.

I bought this apple pie at the grocery store for $2.99! What a scrumptious steal. And it’s going fast by the look of it…

cheap pie

In a couple of weeks, I’ll be gorging myself stupid on a big juicy bird just like the one we had last year.

big juicy bird

I’ll probably also eat a shit-ton of fun-sized Halloween candies. Way more than a person with actual dignity would ever feel comfortable admitting. Ones that I bought for myself at the store because that’s how I roll now. I’m an adult, and I don’t walk around the neighbourhood, undercover of the night, begging for candy anymore. I just go out and buy it like the lazy couch-grazing asshole that I am because legging it for candy is for the kiddies.

2) Doing Weird Decorative Things To Pumpkins

I don’t know how this tradition came to be, and I don’t really care. Pumpkin carving and/or decorating is an essential part of Fall. If you don’t roll up your sleeves and plunge your bare hands deep into some slick and slimy pumpkin guts at some point throughout the Fall, then you’re not doing Fall right. Pumpkins want to be carved, or mutilated, depending on how handy you actually are with a knife.

Last year, I offered up my humble Batman carving to the God of Fall. He wasn’t impressed, but he accepted it. Joss is the one who actually pleased the God of Fall with her delightful feline rendering.

pumpkins

And don’t forget, even the tiny pumpkins want to be included. My little sister Jess gave this tiny pumpkin a handsome Dracula face to wear for the holidays last year. He wasn’t left out, and we all felt the better for it. Warms the cockles of your heart that does.

dracula pumpkin

And if you really can’t stomach the pumpkins, at least get some gourds for chrissakes! Pumpkin’s little ugly cousin Gourd might be more your speed.

3) Awesome Blogging Festivities

There’s a lot of fun to be had during Fall in the blogging community. And you don’t have to be a blogger to enjoy it, either. Just grab a comp and bookmark your favourites. People do fun weird things in this world of ours, and all of that spectacle is within your reach. One blogger chum of mine over at The IPC just wrapped up a great little contest known as Shitfest Fall: 2013. You may or may not have enjoyed my distasteful entry back in September. And just today the hilarious dudes over at Hard Ticket To Home Video launched the first entry of their Third Annual Schlocktoberfest. It’s going to be an absolute mecca for cheesy horror movie lovers out there, and you won’t want to miss it. One of the best surprises for me this fall was when The Surfing Pizza started his annual Halloween Countdown early. I read his posts with religious devotion throughout the entire month of October. Often at my desk during lunch. I’m that person, laughing like a lunatic at my monitor for no apparent reason. Like we’re having the funniest conversation ever, in total silence. I’m starting to get a reputation, and not the good kind.

A few clickety clacks on the keyboard and you’re having the time of your life. It’s way more fun than reading the shitty old news or poorly edited Yahoo articles.

4) Costume Parties

I’m a creative little weirdo and I love to get hammered, you guys know that. Halloween fucking rules because it’s the perfect outlet for all of my binge drinking and strangeness. And this year is no exception. We’re going to party, and we’re going to have hilarious Halloween costumes that we crafted ourselves. I personally prefer funny costumes to skanky, and the drunks at the bars eat that shit up! The pilgrimage to Value Village to rummage up secondhand clothing suitable for costume crafting is something I look forward to every year.

We’re going to put our heads together to come up with something even better than last year’s colourful iteration of Archie and Jughead.

Archie and Jughead

It’s okay to admit that you find Archie remarkably sexy. I got that a lot last year. Archie loves the ladies and the ladies love Archie right back. Even if it is only a Tootsie Roll in my pocket.

5) Fall Back

When you drink and party as much as I do during the fall holidays, that extra hour we’re given because of Daylight Savings Time is nothing short of miraculous. If I’m gonna keep carrying on this way, then I’m gonna need my goddamned beauty sleep. Two years ago, I had to go to Abu Dhabi for work in November. It was a life changing experience, I’m glad it happened, and blah blah blah all that wonderful positive shit. But I missed out on Daylight Savings Time. I didn’t get to Fall Back like I always do at that time of year, and my heart ached for it. Instead, I was all imbalanced from Springing Ahead without the corrective Fall Back to even me out. It makes a difference. I was one mean motherfucker when I got back from the Middle East and I don’t blame that on jet lag. I worship Fall Back and can’t wait to get up at 2:00am on Sunday November 3rd for the divine pleasure of turning the clocks back. And once that deed is done, I’ll be going back to bed for more quality shuteye.

We’ve only just begun, but I’m already feeling this season. To the God of Fall: you rock, bro.

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I’d Like to Thank the Academy… The Liebster Award

What a wonderful surprise!

The Liebster Award

Littlejenmo of ThinkJunk has nominated me for my very first blog award, the Liebster. What a darling thing to do. Thank you so much. To think, all this drinking and cursing is starting to pay off! The first thing I’m going to do with my winnings is… oh, wait a minute, just reading this thing fully. So, there’s no big cash prize? Just the prestige then? Alright, well, glad we got that sorted out. On with the show!

The Liebster award is a recognition given to small bloggers by other small bloggers (max 200 followers), and the rule for the awards are:

1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
That’s easy enough. Thank you again to my friend at ThinkJunk

2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.

3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.

4. Display the Liebster Award logo.

5.  No tag back thingy’s. (Which I assume means that the people I nominate can’t just re-nominate me?)

Part of the process is to share with you even more zany facts about myself by answering the questions that Littlejenmo so thoughtfully posed. Here goes nothing:

  1. What was your first ever blog post about?
    It was an introduction of myself to the inter webs and a mission statement. Some boring bit about why I started blogging.
  2. Where did you get your name?
    My friends call me Smash, not because I’m graceful. I’ve been smashing through my life since day one. Seemed like it might be Kismet?
  3. Who does your hair?
    The rats in my apartment. They gnaw a real nice ‘do.
  4. What is the worst thing you’ve ever smelled?
    Someone put their B.O. riddled armpit in my face during rush hour on the subway once. Doesn’t get much worse than that.
  5. What do your dreams look like?
    If they were ever made public, they’d look a lot like I’m about to get fired for sexual harassment…
  6. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever purchased online?
    A poster of Dave Grohl giving the finger. Which was displayed proudly on my bedroom wall for several formative years.
  7. Who gets to see you cry?
    “There’s no crying in baseball!” And now you know about a movie I saw once.
  8. What is your guilty pleasure?
    Currently, belting out Huey Lewis & The News songs at the top of my lungs when nobody is home and dancing as if I were a Frankenstein. Although it changes everyday. My life is rife with guilty pleasures.
  9. Who gave you your first kiss?
    For the sake of protecting the identities of everyone who is involved in this sorry tale, let’s just call him “Teddy Ruxpin” and leave it at that.
  10. What is in your pockets right now?
    This seems like a question better suited to someone actually wearing pants, or perhaps with pockets in their underwear.
  11. What’s one thing you can’t live without?
    My own witty quips at the expense of others, ha ha ha! So droll. But seriously, it’s laughter. I can’t live in a world without laughter. Or Super Big Gulps from the 7-11.

The blogs that I have chosen to nominate are:

  1. Travels for Two
  2. GingerPolitics
  3. The Dark Geek Rises
  4. The Merry Bride
  5. Auston Habershaw
  6. The Very Single Girl
  7. Sparkyleegeek’s Blog
  8. Hottywood Helps
  9. Batman To Be
  10. Finding the Funi
  11. 139 Hobbies

And now for the grilling of your lifetime. Here are the questions I have carefully crafted for my nominees:

  1. How do you take your eggs?
  2. What is the best concert you ever went to?
  3. What’s hiding under your bed right now?
  4. Worst book you ever read, maybe you couldn’t even finish it. What was it?
  5. How do you like your pizza topped?
  6. What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever eaten?
  7. What is the most played song on your iPod?
  8. Would you or do you go to the movies alone?
  9. When was the last time you got so drunk you couldn’t remember anything the next morning?
  10. Something that makes you smile, every single time you think of it. What is it?
  11. What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done?

Well, there you have it folks. My magnanimous acceptance of the Liebster Award. Thank you ever so kindly Littlejenmo. It’s been a slice!

Saturday Fake Out

Looks a little different around here doesn’t it?

Well, a reader whom I shall not name, told me that my blog styling was what barf turned into an internet page would look like. And that was either just blatant insensitive opinion or an attempt to help. I’ll take it as an attempt at help, although feelings are still mildly bruised. Not one to be easily swayed by the influence of others, I did give this opinion considerable thought before making the update. I thought the old look was bright and fun. Barfing is fun sometimes right? Like last weekend when I barfed on my aunt and uncles lawn after the jack ‘n’ jill… well maybe not fun so much as a funny anecdote for the co-workers after the fact. (Sorry about that btw wonderful aunt and uncle! Thankfully it thunder stormed 20 minutes later and washed most of it away. Rest assured next time I will be a much more refined houseguest, er, drive-way trailer guest!) Anyways, I finally reasoned that if I want more readers maybe a change would help. Good taste is subjective, but barf is universal so updated blog page it is!

Now that we’ve settled that matter, time to get to the goods! This was not a particularly eventful week, it was mainly just getting back the grind and all. But it felt really long. It felt like Friday was taking forever! So much so, that I actually faked myself out on Friday morning when I woke up thinking it was Saturday! I woke up at about 4:30am because I was having a nightmare about a massive fucking tarantula crawling up my legs. I may have mentioned in past posts that I have a very vivid imagination. When I have nightmares it takes me a long time to shake the imagery out of my brain. Every time I closed my eyes I would see the tarantula tormenting me in a new more horrific way than the last. Also, tarantulas are my worst fear EVER. So thanks a lot subconscious for being such a dick at 4:00am when a girl’s just trying to get a little beauty rest!

I tossed and turned for a bit and then finally got back into a deliciously deep slumber. A few hours later when D shook me awake, I rolled over and looked at the clock and saw 7:02am. Poor D. He was greeted with “what’s your fucking problem? it’s Saturday!” To which he replied, “Um, no. It’s Friday babe, time for work…” Oops!

I faked myself out! I had to drag my tired ass into work for one more day before the weekend. When I told my boss he laughed and laughed, it was quite a riot for him. Although it kind of sucked, there is an upside to this because the feeling carried forward all weekend. Saturday felt like Sunday but it wasn’t, and Sunday felt like a wicked free day for no reason! And the most wonderful thing of all this weekend? I did not have ANY plans. None.

The past couple of weekends I’ve had a lot of stuff going on: birthdays, bachelorettes, jack ‘n’ jills, jays games, family functions, the works! I enjoy an active social life, but sometimes I like to slow down a bit too. I took the “free day” sensation and just let it roll…

First thing, Friday night I called the spa and got booked for a pedicure on Saturday afternoon. Perfection! See for yourself…

Nothing like a bright, beautiful shade of red to freshen my little piggys! These girls are good to go to market indeed.

Also, D and I took a trip down to the good ole Bloor and Landsdowne neighbourhood to peruse the local thrift shops. There was tons of amazing stuff! I love cruising through the aisles for 90’s CDs, sweet graphic tees, obsolete technologies, rad home decor, and the like. The most amazing thing we stumbled upon was Velvet Veronica’s long-lost little sister whom I shall call Velour Valerie:

That’s right folks, Valerie is a love seat recliner. Isn’t she a beaut? Oh, snap! It’s too bad we couldn’t have found you back in the days that we inhabited 42 Hickory, you would have been a perfect fit!

To cap it all off, D and I also made the Herculean effort of hopping on the subway and doing our weekly grocery shop at the Loblaws at Yonge and Lawrence. Oh Loblaws! We’ve missed you so, and we promise we will never be tempted away again by Metro’s brazen and brassy proximity to our apartment. Well, we’ll see how we can do for the next couple of months. I can’t promise anything for wintertime when it’s biting cold out and I don’t want to leave the apartment at all… but for now Loblaws we be chillin’.

It may not sound like much, but it was glorious. The Saturday fake out, easiest way to dupe your stupid brain into the long weekend of its dreams!