Ass Glitter

Okay, let me start off by saying this to my handful of faithful readers: I’m sorry I dropped the ball! I know it’s been a while since my last post, but in my defence it is summertime and I’m popular, yo. When’s a girl on the town like myself to find the time? I don’t know, but I will try to be more routine about this. If you’ve been waiting with bated breath for my newest post, I assure you it is worth the wait. I got lots of goods!

This past Saturday night I threw a bachelorette party for my sister. Not just a bachelorette party though. The best fucking bachelorette party in the entire history of them!!! This shit was off the hook amazing. The hours of prep work, dolla dolla bills spent, and the blisters were totally worth it.

I fucking coloured for this thing guys. I really did dust off the old pencil crayons, sharpen em up and got to scribbling. I looked for sweet banners at party stores but nothing really screamed wild night on the town like the personalized construction paper and pencil crayon masterpiece I crafted:

I also spent a lot of time hollowing out grapefruits for the jell-o shooters, which I will attribute much of the party guest drunkeness to. Those damn things made my fingers reek like citrus for hours afterwards:

AND! The biggest effort on my part yet, I motherfucking baked! That’s right, I dusted off the old spatula and mixed up some delicious penis covered cupcakes with miss simulated frosting, haha:

The best part about the cupcakes is that girls don’t eat! The cupcakes were barely touched, so that left me with a delicious hangover snack for the next day. And anyone who knows me well knows that when I’m hungover I CRAVE sugar more than anything. Paired with a super big gulp orange crush slushie life could not possibly get any better for an old waste case like me.

If there’s such a thing as a Nobel Prize for most hilariously awesome night of ogling men then I would get it. Hands down, because I also went that extra special mile to book a male stripper. That’s right. Even though my last post might make me seem like the worst sister and/or bridesmaid ever, I’d do anything for Mar, mostly. As long as she’s not a bitch about it, kidding!

I got on google, booked a stripper to come to my home, took out an ass huge wad of cash, and wished with all my might that he wouldn’t turn into a serial rapist/robber and we’d all wind up dead because of my stupidity. Thankfully, things turned out as planned! Mostly. There were a few key details that were overlooked that I’m not very happy about. He called me in the afternoon to confirm the details and I was very straight-forward in what I wanted, which didn’t seem to be a problem. He was to be dressed as Elvis, which is hilarious and amazing. If you’re going to have a stripper come to your home he may as well be the Elvis of all strippers right? I got the impression that he was a little nervous or embarrassed about doing Elvis, but suck it the fuck up. If I pay you to cover your ass in butter and shake it in my sister’s face then you’re going to do it with a goddamn smile on.

I outlined exactly what I wanted from the stripper. He was to be dressed as Elvis, strip down to a g-string and nobody would have to actually see his penis. Because that can be awkward right? I didn’t know all of Mar’s friends that were coming and she can be reserved sometimes herself, so I thought I’d play it safe. Pretty much the exact opposite of that happened. He came as a construction worker, wore ugly ass boxer briefs, and didn’t take his jeans off. Oh and also he was wiping his dick out all over the place. I guess maybe you just settle into your routine and don’t stray from it often?

However, making up for the fact that we didn’t get the look/routine we wanted there were some plus points that balanced it out. He was hot. Muscles, deep Vin Disel type of voice, he cracked good jokes and got the girls really into it. He let us take photos, and was generally a pretty cool dude. If he had shown up looking like Danny Devito and then didn’t do the Elvis thing for us, we might have had a big problem on our hands. But it’s not often a girl in a committed relationship gets to check out some fresh wang in person without the possibility of getting into serious trouble. Well worth the dent in my bank account.

And best thing ever! Joce-force!!! When you let that whole handful of loonies trickle down into his jeans pocket I thought I was going to die. That was pretty much the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen you do. And this is coming from a long history of me seeing you do hilarious and amazing things. Hats off to you my friend, that was a classy move!

We laughed, we drank, we danced, we met cute boys, and overall had a really rad time. Mar won’t be running off with the ripper anytime soon despite what it looks like in the photos. Which, I’m not posting here for the sake of preserving Mar’s ladylike reputation. I’ll save that shit for my Facebook page, all privatized and whatnot.

Long before the party though when I was initially doing my stripper research the boyfriend wasn’t too pleased knowing full well that the performance would be happening in our apartment. He grumbled about it every time the subject of the bachelorette came up. But a few nights before the party, I think in an effort to make peace with the whole thing D just said to me, “Whatever. Just make sure there isn’t ass glitter all over the couch when I get home.” And I delivered on my promise didn’t I darling?