Holiday Review

Well, there’s another Christmas come and gone. And a new year will dawn in a couple of days. I hope you kissed someone special under the mistletoe, ate entirely too much, and maybe even made an ass of yourself at a large family gathering. That’s what the holidays are there for, after all.

My holidays were fun, even though they veered off course a time or two.

The holidays started with the launching of a new tradition. My sister arranged a “Cousin’s Cocktail Christmas Party” and it was a great success. We got together with our cousins and their spouses/partners for some drinks, snacks, and general merriment. We then went to a comedy club to yuk it up. It was fun. Some of my best memories of Christmases past are of playing with my cousins. Our parents would get us all done up in fancy little outfits and try to impress upon us the importance of “behaving ourselves” at the dinner.

cousins at christmas

And obviously we’ve all grown up a whole lot since those days, but one thing that hasn’t changed is how much fun I still have with my cousins.

cousins christmas

Overnight we were harassed by an ice storm of disastrous proportions. We woke up to a world that had been completely consumed by ice.

ice storm

ice storm 2

ice storm 3

The storm took down countless trees and power lines. Over 250,000 homes in the city were without power for anywhere from 24 hours to a week. My cousin Ryan slept over at my sister’s place after the Christmas party, and awoke the next morning to find a tree had fallen onto his girlfriend’s car.

tree on car

The storm wreaked absolute havoc on the city, and I was glad to head north and out of the icy mess for a few days. But the fun just didn’t stop coming. On Christmas Eve I got sick. Really sick. Feverish, coughing, totally congested. I felt like a bag of assholes. My dad cooked up a feast and I barely even nibbled at it. My appetite was nowhere to be found. We then went to my mom’s for drinks and board games, which I normally really enjoy. But instead of having a bunch of Christmas fun with my family, I sat on the sidelines bundled in blankets, sweating buckets while a perpetual coughing fit racked my body. I was one pathetic sight.

On Christmas day, I was supposed to accompany D to his family get together. But I felt so goddamned shitty I couldn’t even get up off the couch without draining the last vestiges of my strength completely. I had to choose my battles wisely. D went on without me, and I stayed home. I laid on the couch and watched the entire 6 hours of The Stand miniseries on DVD. I had just finished the book, and my mom had the DVDs of the miniseries, so she let me borrow them. And they came in handy, that’s for damn sure.

The following day I felt well enough to go to lunch with D and his dad. At least I could be a part of some of his family celebrations, for his sake. But we didn’t do a lick of Boxing Day shopping. I usually love getting out there with all the other crazies, ripping shirts off of shelves like a maniac and bitching about getting cut off in the parking lot by some asshole who isn’t even looking. Jesus, he isn’t even looking! What is he, BLIND OR SOMETHING?

But even though I wasn’t in peak physical condition for enjoying the food, the shopping, or the gatherings, I was still plenty good at enjoying presents. And you know Smash loves presents. Just a recap for anyone who may not be familiar with this facet of my personality: I FUCKING LOVE OPENING PRESENTS. I can’t stand unopened presents. They make me insane. My fingers positively itch with the desire to rip and tear if they get within five feet of something that’s been wrapped up. It’s a compulsion.

I opened a lot of great gifts this year.


Some of the gift highlights:

Star Wars Salt n Pepper Shakers!

star wars salt and pepper

Enormous Batman Mug!

batman mug

New Hobo Mittens!


Bitchin’ New Watch!


A Big Bottle of Booze!


His and Hers Robot Pillowcases! (My friend The Magpie embroidered these for me and they are absolutely stunning, I fucking love them to bits.)


And A Shitload of Chocolate!


And I got tons of other great stuff too. I’m lucky. I have a lots of people in my life who love me and want to give me things that I love for christmas. Things that make me squeal with delight like a little kid. I’m probably the easiest person on the planet to buy gifts for. I’m easily pleased and I’m not picky. If I can have a thrilling time shredding a gift of its wrapping, I’m set. And as much as I love tearing into a pile of presents, I love giving great presents too. I know that everything I picked out for my loved ones this year was well received and will be cherished forevermore.

Even though the weather was truly frightful and my immune system totally flaked out on me, I managed to find some enjoyment in the holidays this year. Got some fantastic gifts, started a fabulous new tradition, and I took some time to plan my next big moves for the upcoming year. I’m really looking forward to the new year. I’ve got big plans brewing for 2014. It’s going to be my year. I’ve got a list of goals a mile long and I am going to be dogged in my pursuit of every single one.

Peace out 2013, it’s been a slice.

Fudgey Friday

Friday was a turd of a day. It’s usually a good mellow day at the office, but instead it was surprisingly busy. The To-Do List was really piling up all week, so I had a lot on my plate. Plus, my outfit was kind of dreadful, so that’s never good. But hey, you make the best of what you can with the only clean clothes you have left in the closet. Mood-wise, I was about even keel all day. Although I was busy, I was still in a decent mood.

That is, until I got on the subway.

The subway is busy at rush hour. It’s just a fact of life. And I’m totally cool with that. I am NOT, however, cool with rude ass bitches giving ME an impromptu lecture on subway etiquette when they’re the ones defying the standards of subway behaviour. I’m standing on the subway, just chillin’. This woman gets on, and proceeds to lean her whole body against mine. I was in a corner, so I couldn’t possibly make any room for her. And, it really wasn’t so crowded that you needed to be touching anyone else. So, when people lean up against me and I have nowhere to go, there’s not really a lot of give. I stand tough, because I’m not going to be mashed into a corner by some random bitch who clearly lacks human touch in her everyday life. Otherwise, why would she feel the need to rub all over me when there’s plenty of standing room on the train?

Out of nowhere, she turns to me in an overly put on “sweet” manner (and by that I mean condescending as fuck), and says “It’s really busy on the subway at rush hour, so you need to calm down”. WTF? I hadn’t said anything to her, I hadn’t even moved, I was just standing there minding my own business. But I guess if you’re as obnoxious and entitled as this woman was, it’s normal for you to get on the subway and squash your body against someone else’s and then be rude to them. That makes sense right?

So I said to her, “I don’t know what you’re talking about but you can back off”. And she continues on with this same bullshit attitude, “listen, you need to understand that the subway is busy and you need to be calm  and make room for others. I’m just trying to have a calm, mature conversation about this with you.” That really fucking pissed me off. I don’t know if I look like a pushover or something, but I most certainly am not. And as pleasant and easy-going as I usually am during my commute, you don’t start shit with me and think you’re going to come away unscathed. Smash don’t take no guff, people!

I, in my most menacingly calm manner, replied “yeah, well I don’t know why you think that I need to be having this conversion, but I don’t, so you can go fuck yourself!” To which, she visibly bristled and then puffed out her chest and said “Well, you’re welcome”. I mimicked that false sweetness with a very syrupy “mmmkay, thanks!” right back at her. Bitch turned around, stopped leaning on me and got off at the next station. So, I guess that shut her up.

In the event that you’re out there reading this you rude ass entitled subway bitch, I’ll reiterate once more: go fuck yourself. How dare you get on the subway, impose your body onto mine, invade my personal space when it wasn’t at all necessary and then try to look down your ugly ass nose at me. If anyone needs a lecture about manners on the subway and I would also venture about life in general, seems like it’s you. So go home to your lonely cat-filled shanty and stay the eff out of my face. Because if I ever see you pulling that shit with someone on the subway again, I won’t let you off so easy next time.

By the time I got off at my station, I was positively fuming. I’ve had some really strange experiences on the subway, but nothing quite like that. So I met up with D at the station and told him my harrowing tale. We then decided that the best course of action would be beer. D always knows the best way to deflate my rage! If we fight, he’s best advised to forego the flowers and come home with a 6-pack instead. So we went to the pub for dinner and drinks, which had the desired effect. But little did I know, there was something even better waiting for me at home…

looks like a normal Tupperware container, but it’s actually super-sized!

In the kitchen, my older sister had planted four colossal fudge brownies with cream cheese frosting. Mmmmm, brownies make for a very happy Smash!

oh, just delightful

Fudgey brownies and cream cheese frosting you don’t know how perfectly timed your arrival in my life really was! You make me want to be a better Smash. As much of a turd as Friday was, and as much of a bitch as that bitch was, nothing else matters when we’re together. Brownies, I love you!

And Fudgey Fridays is totally a thing in our household now, so I hope you’re prepared to make something just as tasty next week Mar. Because who knows what altercations I’ll have gotten into by then!