Smash’s Traditional Christmas

I’m not talking about your grandma’s gingerbread kinda traditional. I’m talking my brand of traditional. Which, can best be described as gift swap hysteria on my part and determined long-suffering on D’s.

The most important element of my holiday celebrations is the lengthy battle over when we will exchange gifts that D and I engage in every year. The I-Just-Can’t-Wait-Another-Day-If-There-Are-Presents-With-My-Name-On-Them hounding that, admittedly, D has put up a very brave fight against every Christmas since 2006. However, D has not yet been able to come up successful with the ever so crucial December 25th exchange victory. Much to my delight, I am still the unseated champion. I’ve won every battle thus far, and am happy to announce that the tradition lives on!

I have this need to open gifts. It’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Actually, need is a gross understatement of what it is. Compulsion would also be putting it mildly. It’s equal parts insatiable curiosity, hyper-active desperation, and feverish excitement. And the very second I catch wind that there are gifts for me kicking around the house it becomes an all-consuming inferno inside of me, burning up every ounce of sanity I’ve got.

I’m sure my mom thought that I’d grow out of it over time. I’m certain she held out a hope as long as she possibly could. But somewhere down the line she just had to accept it, and had to get more clever at circumventing it. If she couldn’t extinguish the flames, at least she could keep them at bay with frustrated threats and double doses of household chores.

I remember the elaborate schemes my sisters and I hatched for finding and opening gifts before Christmas. For spying on our parents, trying to catch a glimpse of the things they brought home from the store. We were certain that every shopping bag was loaded to the brim with toys, and ripe for the picking. We were young and full of vigour. Okay, fine it was sugar. Sugar-fueled vigour. We devised master plans. We whispered in secrecy. We crept through the house with purpose and stealth. We did these things because we wanted presents. Needed presents.

They grew up and out of it, but I never did. As we entered our teens their interest in scheming waned, but mine never did. They started wanting to sleep in on Christmas morning, but I just couldn’t. I was on my own now. My co-conspirators just didn’t want to conspire anymore. But that’s alright, I worked well on my own too.

If no one was home and I got near the tree I’d shake, rattle, tap, rumble, and even sniff all the gifts under the tree. Could be perfume, right? Gotta sniff it to be sure! If I knew that my parents were going to be gone for a while and my sisters were out, sometimes I would even peel back the tape. Gently now, don’t want to leave any signs of tampering. I could unwrap the end of a gift and make my guesses based on box labels. If the present wasn’t taped down too tightly I might even be able to slide it out a few inches for a better look. When this method was discovered by my mom she started thwarting it by wrapping the gifts in additional boxes. She might put a DVD in a Triscuit box, or a book in a tin that once held cookies. Filling them with newspaper so I couldn’t guess what the gifts were by shake alone.

Every year that I got sneakier, my mom got more vigilant with gift disguises. One year, she even wrapped a tiny bottle of perfume for Mar in an old pizza box. Like a pizza that had been delivered to our house months earlier. I bet she’ll laugh, remembering this. How crazy it used to be.

These days I’m sure my mom is thankful that I’m out of the house. She can actually enjoy the days leading up to December 25th and wrap presents normally. She can relax, because I’m D’s problem now.

My work with D has been infinitely easier than with my mom. Not to undermine his abilities as an opponent, but he just doesn’t have as much experience dealing with my fervour as mom does. And he stands to gain so much more. The temptation for the gifts I’ve got waiting for him and my petulant charm have always gotten the better of him. I’ve been able to coax, convince, and persuade him into an early gift exchange every year. My personal best is Xmas ’09 when we exchanged gifts on November 28th. Yeah, I’m that good. The longest I’ve ever had to wait was December 21st.

The first Christmas we were together was easy. We’d been dating for five months, and we’d said “I Love You” to each other for the first time at the beginning of December. We were still in new-couple euphoria and D would have done anything to make me happy. A giggle here, a tickle there, some kisses peppered in for good measure. Then just a pinch of suggestion. I was subtle, I didn’t need to overplay my hand. We exchanged gifts on December 17th that year. And D hadn’t even begun to realize the depths of my insanity.

I just kept wearing him down, year after year. He’d get tougher and I’d get more wily with every passing Christmas. This is the first year that I’ve really been worried that I might not win. He was quite stern about finally having an exchange on the 25th. I’d have to really bust my ass to make an early exchange happen.

Cue the disastrous hangover I had last Friday after my company Christmas party. I came home so goddamn drunk on Thursday night, it was a miracle I’d even made it home. While I was out, D had been wrapping. Perfect, the gifts were ready to go. The next day I was hurting, for reals. My head ached, I’d spent a fair amount of time barfing, and had to leave work early. When D got home I was cuddled in bed with Harvey, pathetic and useless. He pitied me. “Opening the gifts might help”, I suggested.

Before I knew it we were tearing our way through the gifts. Success! The exchange for Christmas 2012 took place at 7:00pm on December 14th.

To the victor go the spoils:


The awesomest white-board calendar of all time! I shall record all future schemes here from now on.

tv shows

Some HIMYM and Sunny for laughs, always a solid gift.

lego batman

Lego Batman 2 for my Nintendo DS!!! Oh fuck yes! I was so happy when I opened this one. I’m deeply invested in putting Lex Luthor and The Joker behind bars on my daily commute now. They’ve been manufacturing Kryptonite together, and I don’t like where that’s headed.

the dark knight rises

Another gift that made my heart melt. Damn, D knows me so well.


Because I just don’t have enough Batman in my life. Volume 2 and 3 of “Batman: No Man’s Land”. Currently working my way through volume 1. Great work D!

And the best of my haul you ask? A little Cinderella story to warm the cockles of your heart. A little stocking stuffer really wowed me this year:

drunk dice

Yeah, it’s Get Drunk Dice! I can’t even tell you how much I love the little cartoon dice that’s puking up his beer. And the whorish looking lady dice, ever so gracefully pouring beer down her gullet. I want to party with these dice characters. Right now. Oh, and I haven’t even pointed out the best part yet:

drunk dice rules

The back of the package displays the rules to the game. Oh, but what’s that on the bottom you see? The fine print, which clearly states “Not to be played with alcohol”. The game is called Get Drunk Dice for fuck’s sake! How am I even supposed to win the game if I’m not getting drunk? What do you propose I get drunk with instead? Orange juice? Kit Kat bars? Sunblock? I know the company that makes this game probably did this to avoid a lawsuit, but I just can’t think of anything more contradictory than the packaging on this game. If a box of condoms had a disclaimer saying “Not to be used for sexual intercourse”, it could not be more ridiculous than this.

The gifts have all been sufficiently exchanged, and now we’re contemplating packing up the Christmas tree this weekend because it’s getting in our way and Harvey keeps trying to eat it. All before December 25th. My burning desire to tear open gifts has been sated, and now I can relax. I’ll think I’ll have a few drinks, roll the drunk dice, and tell D how rad I think he is.


That’s my idea of a traditionally awesome Christmas!

PVR Full of Shows

This past week was not particularly dramatic, but it was very busy. And as always, it was every bit as mundane as I’ve come to expect. I’ve been working longer hours, and then coming home and working because there’s so much going on. Twice this week I didn’t even eat lunch. I kept my face glued to the monitor while my two typing fingers furiously punched out emails. It seemed like every night this week before I knew it quitting time was rolling around, and there was still a myriad of other “tasks” to accomplish.

On one of the days that I missed lunch I wound up hoovering my sandwich at the bus stop. After peeling myself away from my desk, and clumping down the hallway to the elevator I could hear a very distinct rumbling brewing in my tummy. The kind of rumbling that sends your overly pious neighbour scrambling for an exorcist. Although, that rumble when coupled with a smelly Metallica t-shirt and   the gaunt lifeless eyes I’m usually sporting by the end of the week would be cause for alarm to normal folks.

Once I got outside and walked up the street to the bus stop I could ignore that rumble no longer. I opened my backpack and prodded around for the tupperware container with the neatly kiddie-cornered chicken salad sandwich stowed inside. I ravaged that poor thing, it really didn’t stand a chance. As I stood there in the cold devouring my sandwich, I realized that while I had been working so much this week I would have the pleasure of going home to a fully loaded PVR.

I love television. There are so many hilarious, intriguing, mysterious, frightening, real, bizarre, and wonderful things on television nowadays. I will admit that I am so fond of television because it satiates my gluttonous imagination. I love good stories, challenges, characters, and timing. I’m madly hooked on the catharsis that my television is readily able to provide at the end of a long, boring ass work week.

What did I stockpile on my PVR this week you ask? The list is:

  1. How I Met Your Mother
  2. The Big Bang Theory
  3. My Strange Addiction
  4. Desperate Housewives
  5. The Walking Dead
  6. Talking Dead
  7. 30 Rock
  8. Supersize Me
  9. Taxi Driver
  10. Eastbound & Down
  11. Life’s Too Short
  12. The Office
  13. The Celebrity Apprentice
  14. Comic Book Men
  15. Cougar Town
  16. Four Weddings
  17. Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired
  18. Midnight Cowboy
  19. Modern Family
  20. Dogs 101
  21. Curb Your Enthusiasm

Please note that this is not necessarily a list of my favourite television shows. This list is merely a demonstration of the depths of my escapism. You will also notice that I am partial to sit-coms. Every waking moment in life could be turned into a scene from a sit-com if handled appropriately. I also grabbed a couple of old movies I haven’t seen in a while and don’t have on dvd.

Everything you need for a long weekend of willfully transcending reality is right here. I didn’t realize how many things I had set out to record until Sunday night when I reviewed the list. I literally squealed with delight when I remembered that I have Monday off thanks to the long weekend. I had a lot going on this weekend, so I didn’t know when I’d even have the chance to catch up.

The endless scroll through the list of shows I’d recorded pumped pure awesomeness through my veins. My extra long hours and lunchless days have been vindicated at last!

And now hours later my tiresome imagination has been rightfully sated. Here, here to the fully loaded PVR! You have preserved my sanity once again and have provided me with the strength to carry forward through another average work week. To all you do, many thanks from this humble couch grazing girl.