The Best Innovation Ever

I’m always coming up with ideas for inventions, gadgets, and all sorts of what-have-yous that would make life better. I get these visions of how one day I’ll have an idea so revolutionary that it will have me firmly ensconced in the history books forever. Or it could just as easily make me the face of the next great infomercial on the home shopping network. Either way, however it goes down is fine with me. I see all of my ideas resulting in greatness.

The only hitch is that I’m not one for the logistical side of things. What I need is an epic partnership with some sort of tinkerer or crafter. Someone who can take my zany ideas and translate them into actual real life things. I’m still searching for my equally brilliant other half, that elusive craftsman. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we stumble upon each other one fateful day.

Maybe it’ll happen one morning when I’m waiting in line for a bagel. I’ll see some tool struggling with some sort of hindrance and I’ll mutter under my breath about how there really should be a blah blah for that. An eccentric fellow sitting nearby overhears me, feeling instantaneous inspiration. I feel a prickle on the back of my neck, and sense that I should turn around. Destiny is animating my body now, making me glance over my shoulder in the direction of my life’s true purpose. I do glance, and lock eyes with that curious chap, a knowing look rife with meaning passes between us. This is meant to be. And from that humble chance meeting the course for our sure to be illustrious partnership is charted.

But obviously that’s not going to happen overnight. I’ll have to wait a bit longer I think. But maybe soon, you never know. Until that glorious chance meeting of the minds does happen, I’ll keep the cogs turning on my hamster wheel by spending my time appreciating the innovations all around me. That’s how you keep your skills sharp. If you want to be a good writer, you should be reading a shit-ton of books, all the time. If you want to be a dancer, then you have to dance. You can’t stand there on the sidelines eating bologna. You have to fully immerse yourself in that burning passion of yours to understand how you can be great with it.

Innovation is one of my greatest pleasures in life. I like how innovation feels. Innovation feels like you’ve just conquered the fuck out of everything. Whenever we rent a fancy car for the weekend, sometimes we’ll spring for a fancy one and it has leather seats with ass warmers, it makes me feel exultant. That’s the kind of innovation that makes you feel like a bad motherfucker. That’s right, this car is warming my ass up right now while you wait for the bus, sucka! It just feels good to stop and marvel at the progress sometimes. Especially unexpected progress.

The Snuggie, for instance. Someone probably sewed a fucked up sweater one time that was five sizes too big in a dreadfully unfashionable fleece fabric and they saw an opportunity instead of a disappointment. They turned that shit into an ingenious innovation. They’re probably making residual fat stacks hand-over-fist as I type this sentence. And now, thanks to that wonderful addition of sleeves on a blanket, we as a people have a much better method for sitting on the couch and being cozy while we cram delicious junk food down our gullets. You say you want a revolution, well you know.

I didn’t think life could get any better than The Snuggie. Until recently.

Friday night: D was out with his cronies and I’d been out shopping all friggin’ day trying to find the perfect dress for his upcoming work holiday party. I finally get home and I am FAMISHED. I need some goddamned dinner, stat. Right fucking now, man. I opt for the fastest, most satisfying option. Pizza.

But it’s Friday night and all the pizza joints are going to be super busy because nobody cooks on Friday night, really. Guuuuh, so it’s going to take forever. And all I want is a piping hot ooey gooey slice right fucking now, man. But it’s my shitballs luck that a pizza teleportation device hasn’t been invented yet. (I’ll just pop that one on my ongoing list of fantastic ideas while I’m thinking about it.) So I’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way: order it and pace around impatiently for the next forty-five minutes.

I place my order online. Dominos, medium pan pizza with double pepperoni and extra cheese. But something different happens after the order is entered. Instead of some boring old confirmation page a new, special page loads in its place.

pizza tracking bar

It’s some sort of order tracking visual. It’s beautiful. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. I simply cannot take my eyes off of it. I stare at it for a while, waiting for it to change. When Stage 2 “Prep” starts flashing, I’m euphoric. Gopi, you magnificent bastard, I think I love you.

I open a bottle of wine, and come back to sit in front of the computer for a little while, marvelling at this tremendous advancement in the field of fast food delivery. They took all the anxiety out of waiting for my pizza. Instead of pacing around like a raving lunatic wondering where the hell my food is, worrying that there was some inexplicable glitch that prevented the order from actually being placed, which will surely send me into a murderous rampage when I discover it too late and too hungry to be stopped, I find myself actually enjoying the wait. I can trust again. My food is on it’s way. Why, Gopi just put it in the oven. What a revelation. I believe in Gopi. He knows I’m waiting, and he’s doing the best damn job he can. Because Gopi cares. He cares about pizza and he cares about me.

And then, an even more beautiful sight than when I first discovered the tracker, Stage 5 “Out For Delivery” happened.

pizza tracker 2

Elation! Jubilation! Adulation!

I feel all of these things and so much more. I have never been happier in my whole entire life. Not even when I got engaged in Hawaii this past year. My pizza is on it’s way and I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT! Yong just left the store and I can’t wait to greet him when he gets here. Whoa, if I don’t calm down I might just wind up frenching Yong’s face right off when he does get here with the pizza. My pizza. My precious pizza.

The Domino’s Tracker is hands down the greatest innovation I have ever encountered and I can honestly say that it has changed my life. I can’t even order pizza from anywhere else now. If they don’t have the tracker, I’m not going down that road, it’s just too difficult for me. I have to have the tracker. It has become an absolute necessity. It’s essential. And more importantly, it’s accurate. Yong was knocking on my door within ten minutes of the status changing to Stage 5 “Our For Delivery”.

That’s what makes me love invention and innovation. If I could invent something that would illicit an emotional response this insane… that’s the dream.

And for those of you wondering, yes, the pizza was fucking delicious.

More Adventures in Pizza

If you’ve been here for a while now then you know about my insatiable hunkering for pizza. I just love it so fucking much.

And I will also mention that since that post about my Top 5 Pizzaiolo slices, I have gotten free pizza there twice. TWICE! Once because the delivery boy recognized me (not for blogging, just for excessive pizza eating) and said that I could be the “Customer of the Day” therefore, my slice was free. I don’t even know if they have a customer of the day program. I suspect maybe he was just liking what he saw. I did actually wash my hair that day, so it’s plausible. One time I got a bunch of extra pickles for free at Harvey’s because the dork behind the counter was digging my sweet Star Wars t-shirt. Well, and maybe the rack underneath it too. But whatever, free pickles right? The other time I got a free slice from ‘aiolo was just last week when the manager was trying out some new cheeses on the pizza and asked if I wanted to try it out. Heck yeah I do. I’ll never say no to pizza, especially not when it’s free. So, that little piece of artistry has paid out handsomely in pizza karma.

free pizza


D and I used to buy shitty frozen pizzas from the grocery store all the time. Mostly when we lived in the ‘burbs and mostly so that there was pizza on-hand for when I got drunk late at night and all the pizza shops were closed. Doing that probably saved us a couple of break-ups. But with great pizza right around the corner, we don’t have to worry about that anymore. We haven’t had to resort to shitty frozen pizzas in a long time, and our life together is all the better for it. That also makes the little pizza monster that lives in my belly pretty goddamn happy. Now whenever we want to make pizza at home we just buy the dough and do it ourselves. It can be an ambitious undertaking, but it’s usually always worth it.

DIY Pizza

DIY Pizza

Homemade pizza is always that much more satisfying because you did it yourself. We went to a most delicious homemade pizza party at my cousin’s place a couple of weeks ago. It was more of a gourmet pizza experience. We used chorizo instead of pepperoni and I actually put some frigging vegetables on my pizza for a change. Something I’m normally opposed to, but I thought in the interest of acting a mature adult for a change I’d give it a try. I’m delighted to report that I’m hooked on sun-dried tomatoes now. I didn’t take any pictures though, because I didn’t want to seem weird or impolite. What’s the photo/food etiquette these days anyway? As long as it’s not “see-food” it’s okay? I’m not sure on this. Plus, I was enjoying the food too much to stop and take pictures of it. But trust me when I say that it was some of the best I’ve had in a long time. Crunchy, thin crust. Oo baby, that’s the stuff.

Frig, I just love it so much! Sometimes I try to make other things be pizza too. Like those delicious pizza grilled cheese sandwiches that I learned how to make because of my nana. Or like my latest and greatest pizza concoction: pizza bagels. And not those runty little bullshits that you buy in the freezer section at the grocery store, un uh.

I’m talking delicious honey ‘n’ oat bagels toasted an immaculate golden brown. With a generous slathering of garlic butter and assorted pizza toppings for the sake of the taste buds.

Oh bagel, you came and you saved me

Oh bagel, you came and you saved me

And these are great because you can do as many as you want, however you want them. Which is perfect for me and D because we never want the same toppings, as evidenced by the green pepper/mushroom segregation above.

Mushrooms lurking under all that cheese!

Mushrooms lurking under all that cheese!

The pizza bagels were a smashing success. We’ll probably stick with them for a while before I move on to discover bold new pizza frontiers. Maybe it’ll be pizza croissantwiches. Or pizza baguette. Mmmm, pizza waffles! Yeah, there’s potential there…

I suppose that’s all the recent pizza news I have for you today. I have to go change my shirt now as an unsightly drool stain is forming. Until next time my demented darlings.

My Top 5 Slices

Warning: severe hunger pangs ahead.

I love pizza. I want it to be with me always.

Pizza is the longest relationship I’ve ever had. We’ve been rock solid since the early 90’s and we’re never breaking up. It’s open though, it’s cool. I can see other foods if I want. Pizza don’t mind. Pizza knows I’m not going anywhere. Pizza knows it would be my immediate choice for last meal if I was on death row. Pizza knows that if I was stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one food that it would be the one. Pizza knows.

Like all great relationships that are going the distance, pizza and I have our best times when I’m drunk. We’ve had some good sober times too, don’t get me wrong. But when I’m a drunken slobbering mess, pizza is at its zenith of attractiveness.

When I was a kid pizza was everything. Fresh, crisp, puffy dough with savoury tomato sauce, pepperoni, and cheese. Maybe even some herbs, as long as I couldn’t see them. My perfect slice. Vegetables on a pizza were highly suspect. They didn’t look right, and to this day I still don’t trust them. And pineapple? You can forget that, that’s perverted. Perverts eat Hawaiian slices. Bet you’ve never noticed that before. But you will now. You’ll notice it the next time you see someone order one. And if it’s you doing the ordering, well, I guess I’ll light a candle for you.

As a kid there were so many opportunities to eat pizza. Birthday parties, sleepovers, sporting events. Some genius even thought up regularly scheduled pizza lunches in classrooms! Brilliance. Bring a buck and grab a slice. Those were the days. We lived like kings.

I loved it so much, that it was my go-to choice at McDonald’s. A fast food joint, known for their burgers, and I still chose pizza.

McDonald’s pizza is the stuff of legends. It’s been so long since I had one, my memory is a little fuzzy. I vaguely remember the pizza itself. What I remember the most is the way the pizza made me feel. A whole pizza. Scaled down in size, of course. But it was just the right amount for my 8-year-old belly. Packaged in its own special little pizza box, just the right size for a kid. I didn’t have to share it with anyone, the contents of that pizza box all for me.

Goddamn special, that’s how I felt.

I don’t know why McDonald’s ever got rid of them. That seems like it was a terrible decision. I just hope that someday they come back. Whenever I get to blow out the candles, swipe a stray eyelash off my face, or come up victorious in a wishbone breaking contest I close my eyes and put all my heart into wishing that McDonald’s will bring back the pizza. They keep futzing around with this silly McRib thing, but I think they’d pull some serious coin from the relaunch of the pizzas.

When I moved to Toronto last year my top priority was finding my favourite place for a slice. And as much as I wanted to savour the search, I really didn’t have to look far. Pizzaiolo. Just a five-minute jaunt from my place. I get my favourite slice and convenience to boot! And there’s a ton of Pizzaiolo locations all over the city. I’ve eaten at half a dozen aiolo locations. They’re all pretty good, but the one at Bloor and Spadina is king. I have never had a bad slice there. It’s always piping hot and fresh out of the oven.

And since I have amassed an absurd amount of pizza photos on my phone in the short time I’ve been in the city, I thought I would put them to good use.

Behold, my top 5 Pizzaiolo slices thus far!

5) The Workday Hangover Slice

hangover slice

I got wasted on a Wednesday night. It was my first time going to Monte Requesto at the Cloak. Good times, great music, and too many beers. Not a great idea when you have to work the next day. But I’m not known for making the best decisions. So the following Thursday I woke up, barfed and went to work. I was too ill for breakfast, so by noon my tummy was rumbling something fierce. The only cure, a hot gooey slice of pizza. My favourite slice from Pizzaiolo is the Toni Pepperoni. They have some really diverse flavours, but I’m a classic pepperoni kind of girl. When I got to the counter there was no pepperoni in sight. The chick working the counter told me they just made one and it was coming out of the oven right that second. Score!

4) Breakfast Slice

godfather for breakfast

One morning in the summer D left early to golf with his dad. So I decided to live it up. And by live it up I mean go grab a slice of pizza for breakfast and watch crappy T.V. shows. What can I say? I’m a girl of simple pleasures. I slept in and walked down to aiolo for open at 11:00am. This is a slice of The Godfather. A deep-dish monstrosity covered in pepperoni, bacon, italian sausage, mozzarella, and parmigiano. It’s like eating a really puffy piece of garlic bread that’s been covered in meat. I don’t always have the appetite to eat a whole slice, but when I do all bets are off! Dipping sauce is a must have with this slice.

3) The Morning After Slice

morning after

morning after gianni old

I am a genius! I got super hammered and stopped in for a slice to cap off my night. I was so happy when I polished off that slice. And in a rare moment of drunken clarity, I thought about my future. Where would I be tomorrow? Of that, I couldn’t be sure. But I was pretty damn sure I wanted there to be pizza. So I grabbed some extra slices to take home and store in the fridge as a tasty treat for the next day. And because I’m the best frickin’ girlfriend ever, I grabbed a slice of Gianni Ola for D. I didn’t want to leave him out. He’s an integral part of my future. Just look at the way the morning light glints off of the pepperoni. That’s a thing of beauty.

2) Afternoon Snack Slice

afternoon snack

Sometimes I like to sleep late on the weekends. D never sleeps in. He gets up and eats his breakfast immediately. So by the time I get up on the weekend, he’s ready for lunch. My eating schedule for the day is totally skewed. I might have breakfast around 11 or noon while D is having lunch. Then I don’t want to have lunch until late into the afternoon. Which puts dinner in jeopardy. A slice of pizza is the perfect thing to eat in the afternoon when our meal schedules are impossibly off-balance. It’s just filling enough that it allows me to sync up my dinnertime meal with D. I got this slice one afternoon in the summer during a vigorous exploration of the shops on Queen Street West. Fresh out of the oven, it did not disappoint. Look at those herbs on the pepperoni! This slice is a work of art.

1) The Drunken Slice

drunk slice

Don’t act like you’re surprised, of course I was drunk when I consumed the best slice of pizza I’ve ever had the privilege of eating. We got seriously ripped at Joce and Harry’s place one night. Just another hilarious hangout with our chums made all the more hilarious with booze. They live at Bloor and Spadina, so when it comes to drunk eats their neighbourhood is the undisputed champ. You can get burgers, street meat, pizza, shawarma, nachos, sushi, pho, bagels, and more. If you can think of it, you can have it. But as I’ve said before, my heart belongs to pizza. Deliciously hot and gooey pizza. Pizzaiolo is my favourite because of the crust. It’s soft, puffy, and crispy at the same time. That’s no easy feat. A drunkard’s dream if I ever did see one.

Oh pizza, our best years are yet to come!

Now that your mouth has watered a river down your shirt, a majorly huge one with fucking tributaries and deltas and everything, I suggest you grab yourself a slice.