Smashelorette

I love that word, it’s the perfect title for this post. My friend the Magpie posted a pic of me from Saturday night using the hashtag Smashelorette and I fucking love it so much.

You guys don’t even know. And I don’t even know if I know how to tell this story… but bear with me. The fog of booze around my brain is clearing, this might start coming together as we go.

smashelorette

I’ve been waiting for this so long. This night. This amazing night out with my girls, getting drunk, laughing. Celebrating like only girls can. With lots and lots of shrill yayys! and wooooos! to accompany every sentence. Excitedly hopping and bopping everywhere and into everything. Chanting deliciously filthy chants at every male we encounter along the way. “SHOW-US-YOUR-PENIS!”, “JUST-THE-TIP!”, and “EAT-MORE-DICK-CHEESE!” among the best  of them.

That’s what girls do. We make ourselves look as classy and lovely as we possibly can, then we go out into the world causing all the mayhem we can muster. And I do have a lot of mayhem in my heart, believe you me. I’m pretty sure that I head-butted one of my friends on the d-floor. Mistakenly, of course. But only because a bunch of mayhem had bubbled over and was going to translate into some insanely rad dance floor head-banging. I just forgot to step back first. Oopsies! It’s not the first time though, definitely won’t be the last either. Very sorry, friend.

That must be why my neck is still so sore two days later. I fucking head-banged the shit outta that dance floor. But when you’ve got a band of rad motherfuckers ripped on heroin and playing the same Led Zeppelin song on a constant loop, there’s nothing you can do but head-bang the fucking shit outta life. The power of Zeppelin compels you!

At one point I had a little chat with the guitarist, about the recent passing of Tommy Ramone. And I begged him to rally his band buddies and play me a killer Ramones cover. He nodded semi-agreeably and went to talk to his musically inclined chums. When they hit the stage again after the intermission, the guitarist tossed me a sly grin and started cranking out yet another classic Zeppelin tune… Oh man! Another 22-minute guitar solo. I shot a look of long-suffering at The Magpie, as if to say “oh well, what can you do?” and she didn’t even have to say a word. She perfectly mimed the tying off of a vein and shot a finger needle into the crook of her arm while rolling her eyes back in a perfect pantomime of druggie bliss. It was so excellent. We just laughed and danced. Then laughed and danced some more because that guitar never stopped.

But I’m getting way ahead of myself. This story clearly won’t be linear, that fucking ship has sailed. It was never going to be anyways, because I don’t remember it that way. I’m slowly remembering my way through the events of the Smashelorette. And every time I talk to someone about it, another little gem of memory is unearthed and lovingly relived.

Like when Joce reminded me that she stole a platter of 20 sliders off of someone else’s table and our motley group of girls gobbled them up in a feeding frenzy! No I didn’t dream that, it actually happened. It’s such a perfectly Joce-force thing to do.

Or when I put on a fake moustache with Dame Edna glasses and Shannie told me that I looked like Freddie Mercury. Dreams really do come true. Playing dress up in general. I mean, if you’re at a party and your friend gives you a box of costumes to dress people up in, it’s going to be a wicked time.

shannie the raver

my little peacock

Playing the underwear game! Everyone bought a pair of panties and I had to guess who bought them. An absolutely hilarious idea. Especially when one of your friends decides to buy you a pair of 3XL men’s tighty whiteys. Oh, Caitlin! You’re a beautiful little sexual harassment just waiting to happen.

she'll get ya

big underwear

Twirling and swirling around the dance floor with a very tall gentleman who didn’t speak a lick of english. But he didn’t have to. He spoke an even more important language: the language of the dance!

Eating a piece of penis cake. Thank you Bec. I always wondered what chocolate ball hair would taste like. It’s sweet. A little sticky too. Not unexpected at all. An unsavoury delight. Much like the dick cheese my friend Hoben moulded to glorious perfection. I’ve also wondered what green onion ball hair tasted like. Cross another thing off the bucket list, darling.

Doing oh so many grapefruit wedge Jell-O shots! Best summertime booze treat you can have.

jell-o shots

And of course, chugging dirt cheap champagne that made me throw up in my mouth a little…

champagne chug

When Caitlin found me a hunk with a ponytail to talk to. I got to touch it! The ponytail, of course. It was curly and sweaty and magnificent. Mmmm, oh yeah. That’s the real dream, a man with a ponytail. I’m totally being serious right now. Just wanted to make sure nobody thought I was being purposefully flip about that. Gimme them long luscious locks any time. Let me run my fingers through your hair, baby. Oh yeah, just like that!

Omg. THE MIDGET STRIPPER. *facepalm*

He was small and sweaty and he blew in my ear. Aggressively. It wasn’t sexy. It was like the blast of a backfiring car right in my earhole.

Oh right, this is an important detail: my Smashelorette party was Star Wars themed. Yeah, that’s fucking right. My friends lovingly coloured a bunch of images from a Star Wars colouring book and used them as decorations all over Joce’s apartment. It was very beautiful and meaningful to me. There were also bottles of chase with Yoda’s picture on them and labelled “Yoda Pop”. Brilliant! There was a hand drawn “Pin The Penis on Darth” game. Oh Sara, words cannot describe how much I love you for making that. And how much I loved seeing the bad first attempt at a drawing of Darth showing through the sliding glass door when I was out on the balcony. Priceless. He’s a hard dude to draw, I was very impressed with the end result.

But back to that stripper…

We were grooving along to some sweet pre-drinking tunes when suddenly the music changed. A very recognizable piece of music started to play. Is that…? Oh yeah, it is! It’s the frigging Star Wars theme music. I got really excited at that point. I sat on the special chair and buzzed with excitement. I’ve always wondered what Darth Vader’s penis looked like and tonight I was finally going to find out what he’s been hiding under that codpiece.

Just as the epic entrance music was fading out, he stepped into the room. All 4 foot 8 of him. Probably more like 5′ 3″, but who’s measuring? And he’s… um. What the fuck? He’s a cop? And now he’s making some lame cliché joke about a noise complaint… that’s something, I guess.

i'm so impressed

Actually, this worked out really well. Even though he wasn’t dressed as the Dark Lord and I couldn’t climb him like a mountain, I’ll never forget pointing and laughing at his sweat-stained underwear while he shook his crotch in my cousin’s face. AND, most important of all… he wasn’t supposed to show us his wiener but he did anyways. Joce told me she wouldn’t pay extra for him to do the full monty. So he was either such a trooper or our rowdy chants just eventually wore him down, but either way, WE GOT THAT DICK FOR FREE!

I just had a great idea for him! He should dress up like Prince when he strips. He’s got the perfect build for it… dammit. Someone should call and tell him that. I bet there are a lot of ladies out there who’d love a lap dance from The Purple One. I know I would.

There’s so much to remember! Too much to remember really. I’m grateful for cameras. And I’m thankful for all of my wonderful friends. I’m so in love with all of you.

friends

my lovely family

Dreams come true. I should probably divorce D and then re-marry him just so we can have another party like this. Another super mega-awesome blast of a time, just us girls.

But I guess even though I’m getting married, that doesn’t mean I have to slow down my bad ass partying ways, does it?

photo-3

Maybe we just need to do one more of these before the wedding. It was always going to take more than one really excellent bender to get it all out of my system anyways, right?

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Ass Glitter

Okay, let me start off by saying this to my handful of faithful readers: I’m sorry I dropped the ball! I know it’s been a while since my last post, but in my defence it is summertime and I’m popular, yo. When’s a girl on the town like myself to find the time? I don’t know, but I will try to be more routine about this. If you’ve been waiting with bated breath for my newest post, I assure you it is worth the wait. I got lots of goods!

This past Saturday night I threw a bachelorette party for my sister. Not just a bachelorette party though. The best fucking bachelorette party in the entire history of them!!! This shit was off the hook amazing. The hours of prep work, dolla dolla bills spent, and the blisters were totally worth it.

I fucking coloured for this thing guys. I really did dust off the old pencil crayons, sharpen em up and got to scribbling. I looked for sweet banners at party stores but nothing really screamed wild night on the town like the personalized construction paper and pencil crayon masterpiece I crafted:

I also spent a lot of time hollowing out grapefruits for the jell-o shooters, which I will attribute much of the party guest drunkeness to. Those damn things made my fingers reek like citrus for hours afterwards:

AND! The biggest effort on my part yet, I motherfucking baked! That’s right, I dusted off the old spatula and mixed up some delicious penis covered cupcakes with miss simulated frosting, haha:

The best part about the cupcakes is that girls don’t eat! The cupcakes were barely touched, so that left me with a delicious hangover snack for the next day. And anyone who knows me well knows that when I’m hungover I CRAVE sugar more than anything. Paired with a super big gulp orange crush slushie life could not possibly get any better for an old waste case like me.

If there’s such a thing as a Nobel Prize for most hilariously awesome night of ogling men then I would get it. Hands down, because I also went that extra special mile to book a male stripper. That’s right. Even though my last post might make me seem like the worst sister and/or bridesmaid ever, I’d do anything for Mar, mostly. As long as she’s not a bitch about it, kidding!

I got on google, booked a stripper to come to my home, took out an ass huge wad of cash, and wished with all my might that he wouldn’t turn into a serial rapist/robber and we’d all wind up dead because of my stupidity. Thankfully, things turned out as planned! Mostly. There were a few key details that were overlooked that I’m not very happy about. He called me in the afternoon to confirm the details and I was very straight-forward in what I wanted, which didn’t seem to be a problem. He was to be dressed as Elvis, which is hilarious and amazing. If you’re going to have a stripper come to your home he may as well be the Elvis of all strippers right? I got the impression that he was a little nervous or embarrassed about doing Elvis, but suck it the fuck up. If I pay you to cover your ass in butter and shake it in my sister’s face then you’re going to do it with a goddamn smile on.

I outlined exactly what I wanted from the stripper. He was to be dressed as Elvis, strip down to a g-string and nobody would have to actually see his penis. Because that can be awkward right? I didn’t know all of Mar’s friends that were coming and she can be reserved sometimes herself, so I thought I’d play it safe. Pretty much the exact opposite of that happened. He came as a construction worker, wore ugly ass boxer briefs, and didn’t take his jeans off. Oh and also he was wiping his dick out all over the place. I guess maybe you just settle into your routine and don’t stray from it often?

However, making up for the fact that we didn’t get the look/routine we wanted there were some plus points that balanced it out. He was hot. Muscles, deep Vin Disel type of voice, he cracked good jokes and got the girls really into it. He let us take photos, and was generally a pretty cool dude. If he had shown up looking like Danny Devito and then didn’t do the Elvis thing for us, we might have had a big problem on our hands. But it’s not often a girl in a committed relationship gets to check out some fresh wang in person without the possibility of getting into serious trouble. Well worth the dent in my bank account.

And best thing ever! Joce-force!!! When you let that whole handful of loonies trickle down into his jeans pocket I thought I was going to die. That was pretty much the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen you do. And this is coming from a long history of me seeing you do hilarious and amazing things. Hats off to you my friend, that was a classy move!

We laughed, we drank, we danced, we met cute boys, and overall had a really rad time. Mar won’t be running off with the ripper anytime soon despite what it looks like in the photos. Which, I’m not posting here for the sake of preserving Mar’s ladylike reputation. I’ll save that shit for my Facebook page, all privatized and whatnot.

Long before the party though when I was initially doing my stripper research the boyfriend wasn’t too pleased knowing full well that the performance would be happening in our apartment. He grumbled about it every time the subject of the bachelorette came up. But a few nights before the party, I think in an effort to make peace with the whole thing D just said to me, “Whatever. Just make sure there isn’t ass glitter all over the couch when I get home.” And I delivered on my promise didn’t I darling?